


A new beginning.

by LW95



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-08-31 17:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8587690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LW95/pseuds/LW95
Summary: Clarke has just graduated high school and is ready to start at her local college, staying at home with her mom and older brother Liam.Lexa is Liams girlfriend of two years who Clarke is finally realising she has also been in love with, who she most definitely cannot be in love with...Will the two realise their feelings in time?I'm really bad at summing up stories but basically one party becomes the most pivotal moment in their lives - multichapter fic





	1. Chapter 1

Once again, September had arrived except for Clarke this time it felt quicker than the last. A large chapter of her life was now over and so many new beginnings were to come. Trudging past her old high school on her way home, Clarke stopped a minute on the sidewalk to reminisce on the past few years of her life. This is where she had met her two best friends, Raven and Octavia, her boyfriend Finn, this is where her brother and all his friends had gone. Letting a deep sigh out as her brother Liam crossed her mind, the two had always had an explosive relationship, he’d struggled with anger issues, drug and drink issues, though he had always been Clarke’s hero she found herself constantly resenting him, he’d always take things a step too far with her. He’d been better recently, he was still with his girlfriend of 2 years and she seemed to calm him down a lot but since their father had died neither of them had been the same.  
Clarke continued on her journey home, she’d been shopping for her college reading list, she and her two best friends were all going to the same college in their city, Raven and Octavia were getting a dorm together whereas Clarke opted to stay at home to save money. 

Turning the key in the lock and pushing into the wooden door, loud music filled Clarke’s ears, looking through the hall into the kitchen she noticed her brother and his girlfriend surrounded by a mess of pots, pans and various ingredients scattering the work tops.  
“What the hell is going on?” Clarke called as she abandoned her bag of books by the door along with her coat  
“Hey Clarke” Liam called back as he popped up by the door “Where’ve you been?”  
“Shopping for college, Moms home soon you know..” She replied as she stepped into the kitchen, gazing over the mess the two had created “Hey Clarke” a softer voice spoke from the side of her and she turned round to see the face she’d been trying to avoid over summer.  
“Oh hey Lexa” Clarke turned to leave the kitchen in attempt to hide the redness settling over her cheeks “Im going to try make a start on this reading, make sure its clean before Moms back Liam” Trying not to run, she grabbed the carrier bag she’d dropped in the hall and made a quick escape up the stairs, not missing her brother call back “Whatever, dork” and laughing, she also didn’t miss the sound of Lexa whacking him with something and telling him to shut up, that brought a slight smile to her face. 

Clarke collapsed onto her bed, she didn’t want to start on her reading, she didn’t want to answer the missed calls on her phone, she just wanted to lay there and get swallowed up by her bed. Sighing she sat up, not letting herself get drawn in by the darkness she knew lurked in the back of her mind, she reached out for her laptop and logged into Facebook, scrolling endlessly down her newsfeed, photos of parties and holidays blurred past her. She stopped when she saw a photo her brother and Lexa had been tagged in, he had a dumb smile on his face and his arm around Lexa, she was laughing at someone behind the camera, Clarke was about to scroll past when a knock at her door dragged her away from her thoughts.  
“Come in” she yelled, quickly scrolling away from the photo.  
“Clarke?” a voice softer than what she expected, she looked up to find Lexa popping her head around the door  
“Oh Lexa sorry I thought you were Liam, whats up?” Clarke shut her laptop as she pushed herself off the bed, Lexa had now stepped into the room and was looking for something in her coat pockets “I had something to give you but I don’t know w - Oh wait no got it” She grinned as she pulled an slip of paper out of her inside pocket and handed it over to Clarke “There you go”  
The piece of paper was an invitation to Lexa’s 21st birthday, tomorrow night at her house, it said each invite allowed a +1 but Lexa had scribbled out the plus 1 and wrote “+ The Delinquents” in her elegant curly handwriting. Clarke beamed up at Lexa “Thanks Lex are you sure you don’t mind us all coming? I’ll make sure nobody breaks anything or gets too drunk”  
Lexa just waved her away “Don’t be ridiculous, I always have a good night when you guys are there, it’ll be fun! Sorry Its such short notice I asked Liam to give it you last week and wrongly assumed he would” she laughed lightly and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear “anyways I gotta go to work catch you later Clarke, you better be there tomorrow!” and with that she left Clarke standing in the middle of her room, still staring at the space Lexa stood. This was gonna be fun she though as she Facetimed Octavia and Raven, ready to make their plans. 

 

Clarke woke up to be greeted by darkness,the streetlight outside came creeping through the gap in her curtains, which were gently swaying from the cold draft seeping through the slightly open window.Yet another night of tossing and turning she thought as she sat up, noticing her phone was vibrating “so this is why I’m awake” she muttered as she picked it up from her night stand. Finns name flashed across her screen, she groaned, swiping it to answer and bringing it to her ear  
“What is it? its 4am Finn!” She hissed  
“Finally! Do you know how long I’ve been calling you for Clarke? Its been two days why are you ignoring me! Tell me, is it because I took the place at Princeton? I’m sorry baby you know-”  
Clarke cut him short “Don’t ring me up at 4am to tell me why I’m not talking to you Finn, this is why I’ve been ignoring you, you constantly think about yourself, everything has gotta be about you! I can’t deal with you constantly talking for me, making my plans..” she sat herself on the desk in front of the window, reaching up to close it.  
“Give me one more chance, I’m going next week and I won’t be back until thanks giving, come on we’ve got to work this out princess”  
“Fine. I’ll meet up with you tomorrow but let me sleep Finn I can’t think straight right now”  
“Okay Okay, I love you Clarke, thank you for giving me this chance to -” Clarke missed whatever he said after that she hung up and threw her phone onto her bed.  
Her eyes took in the room around her, an easel in the corner with small canvas’s piled up by the side of it, she remembered when she would be sat there every day, splatters of colour from past paintings of the people and places which she loved.. myriads of colours blending together to create stories from her life.. she sat down and placed a blank canvas in place. 

Clarke awoke to her phone vibrating again, she looked down at her paint covered hands, then over to the portrait she had created in the early hours of the morning, she smiled, impressed with what she had made. Her phone once again had Finns name flashing on it, she answered and put it on loud speaker as she tidied her art things away.  
“Hello?” Finns voice filled the room  
“Hey Finn, I just woke up whats up” she called over to her phone  
“What time am I picking you up” He replied  
“Huh?” Clarke suddenly remembered their conversation from the night before “Oh! Yeah give me an hour? I just need to shower and get dressed”  
“Okay princess, see you soon, Love you”  
“You too Finn” she replied as she unmounted the canvas off of the easel, allowing her eyes to gaze over her work before sliding it into the cupboard.  
She showered and threw on some leggings and a hoodie, she was brushing her teeth when Finn arrived. She heard a knock downstairs at the front door “Liam will you get that? It’s Finn” she yelled to the kitchen where she could hear her brother bustling about  
She grabbed her purse and ran down the stairs to find Finn in the kitchen with Liam and Lexa  
“So what time do you want us there?” Finn asked Lexa, Clarke didn’t miss the way his eyes undressed her as she was turned away  
“Well all my friends are getting there for 10 so around then I guess?” Lexa said as she lifted herself to sit on the kitchen counter. Clarke watched her as she slowly stepped towards the kitchen, there was something about Lexa that made her feel, well that’s just it she never knew how Lexa made her feel but she knew she liked having her around, she had this presence that everyone loved,  
green eyes stopped her dead in her tracks as Lexa looked straight at her, her features softened as she saw the blonde approaching “morning Clarkey, its a bit late for you isn’t it?” she teased as she grabbed her camera out of her bag  
“Hey guys, hey Finn” she greeted them as she stepped into the kitchen, Finn kissed her on the cheek as she hugged him, her eyes darted straight to Lexa who had been watching from across the kitchen, they quickly looked away from each other  
“Lex was just telling me about the party tonight, you driving babe?” Finn smiled as he put her arm around her, Clarke looked at him exasperated, she didn’t even want him to be at the party  
“No.. I’m not driving. We’re getting taxis.”  
“I can finally beat you at beer pong tonight then Finn” Liam grinned and highfived him as Lexa and Clarke both rolled their eyes.  
“Right come on Finn lets go” pulling him by the arm, gradually becoming more and more uncomfortable in the situation the longer she stayed. “Oh wait Clarke before you go I wondered if I could ask a favour? I need a model for some project at college and thought you’d be perfect for it” Lexa smiled tentatively, unsure of how Clarke would react.  
“Erm I’ve never really done anything like that.. sure I’ll give it a go I guess” Clarke smiled back “Now we really gotta go, I’ll see you guys tonight” she finally dragged Finn away, “Thanks Clarke!” Lexa called from the kitchen.  
Clarke didn’t want to focus on that right now, she’ll deal with that another time.. 

Finn had driven them a little out of town to a little cosy diner, checked floor, baby pink leather seats that showed years of wear. It didn’t even take Clarke a minute to recognise this place, this is where Finn had asked her to be his boyfriend when they were 16, this is where she thought she’d fallen in love with him. What a cheap move she thought to herself as she slid into a booth seat.  
Finn ordered two coffees and waffles, Clarke wasn’t concentrating on the inside of the diner, she gazed out into the trees they could see below them, the small woodlands hugging the hill they sat on, admiring the spectrum of green colours.  
“So.. we need to talk I know” Finns words brought her back to reality “Yeah, I’m done Finn.” Clarke cut him short, She’d already made her mind up, the minute she woke up this morning she knew she was done, she was done a long time ago.  
“What?! Why did you get me to drive us all the way here for that!” His whole presence had changed, once relaxed and soft now he was tense, she could see the redness rising in his face.  
“I told you Finn, I’m done and before you ask no its not cause you’re going to Princeton, I’m happy for you I really am, Its because I’m done with you, your lies, the way you always try and put me down, its over”  
at this point the waitress definitely had chosen the wrong time to bring out waffles and coffee “.. Two coffees and waffles” she said hastily bringing the food and drinks off her tray to the table “Let me know if you need anything else” she hurried away, Clarke felt bad for making her feel so awkward but her concentration lay with Finn. “What lies? you believe everybody else lies! not mine, if you weren’t so involved in your dumb friends then maybe you’d have more time for me!” He didn’t take his eyes off Clarke, she was alarmed by how quickly he’d become so angry, she let out a sigh “I know you were cheating Finn, and Raven wouldn’t lie to me about you coming onto her, she has no need to lie about that.” she crossed her arms and looked out into the trees once more  
“What a load of bull shit Clarke, Fuck you!” He stood up, back handing the waffles and his coffee off of the table in pure anger as he left. Clarke sat there, shocked at how he’d reacted, not completely, she knew his temper and how he could switch like that, but how quickly he let it go. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. A new beginning she thought to herself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little update for the weekend, I will do a bigger chapter hopefully on Monday, hope you all enjoy!

The rain lightly battered the taxi window as Clarke leaned her head against the cool glass, she shut her eyes and thought back to earlier that day, the look of anger on Finns face, she didn’t even feel slightly bad about it, she knew he was no good and it had been going on of far too long. This was a new beginning for Clarke and she was more than ready for it.  
“Ughh how far away does she live, I thought she lived your side of town” Raven whined for what felt like the millionth time since they squeezed in the cab, they had pre drank for the party at Octavia’s and Bellamy’s family home along with the rest of the Delinquents, who were riding in the cab behind them.  
“For the hundredth time Reyes, she’s moved to the other side of the valley with Anya and Indra, we’re not even far now!” Octavia exclaimed, swiping the bottled concoction out of her hands and taking a swig, Clarke opened here eyes and stared a the two of them, they had been her best friends throughout high school, she couldn’t have imagined it without them, she probably couldn’t have gotten through it without them, not after her dad ..  
“Give me some of that O” Clarke smiled as Octavia passed the alcohol over to her, she managed half the bottle in a couple of gulps  
“Woah, slow down princess, you know what Jasper and Monty’s punch is like I’d go easy on that” Raven eyed Clarke carefully, one eyebrow slightly raised “So did you see Finn today?” she asked, able to read the blonde like a book, she always had.  
“Yeah, I broke it off with him. I’m done” Clarke sighed as she took one last sip before passing it back to Raven  
Octavia gasped at Clarke’s news, whereas Raven didn’t seem surprised “Oh my god why didn’t you tell us before, you know what this means don’t you Clarke” Clarke and Raven both looked at her blankly, clearly not knowing what the girl meant “Come on guys don’t look at me like that, we can find Clarke a college boy!” The excitement was clearly getting to Octavia’s head, or maybe even Jasper and Monty’s juice was, Clarke didn’t even rise to it, she just smiled shaking her head as the taxi pulled up outside Lexa’s party, almost forgetting to grab the birthday present she’d wrapped earlier that afternoon on her way out of the taxi.

Jasper, Monty and Bellamy all stepped out of the cab that pulled up after them.  
“Have you guys tried the drink yet? what do you think?” Jasper grinned as he took a swig of his own  
“Its disgusting Jas, remind me never to drink anything you’ve created again” Clarke feigned seriousness to the boy, he just winked at her before they all made their way to the front doors.  
Music grew louder and louder, Clarke reached out and rang the door bell, not wanting to walk straight in as she’d never been to Lexa’s house before, she didn’t want to come across rude.  
The doors opened to reveal a rather drunk Liam, leaning on the wall for support “Claarke! You’re late, Finns already here! Come in Come in!” The boys walked in straight away, unaware of the situation, whereas Clarke froze to the spot along with Raven and Octavia, sharing concerned glances “What the fuck..” Raven said shaking her head “Listen Clarke I’ll go right in there and get rid of him, he wasn’t invited to come alone, you just stay here..” Raven began to walk into the house before Clarke managed to grab her by the shoulder  
“No, no its fine that’s what he’ll want, lets just go in there I can ignore him” She took a deep breathe as octavia squeezed her by the hand and they all walked over the threshold and into Lexa’s party.  
Birthday present in hand, she left Ray and Octavia to get themselves settled and find Lincoln, Clarke set out to find Lexa. The house was really quite nice considering Lexa was just starting her last year of college, but she remembered how rich Lexa’s parents were, the kitchen was filled with people mixing drinks, doing shots, playing mini tournaments of beer pong on the island worktop, she’d already checked the two lounges and garden where she’d found Liam drunkenly trying to light a spliff at the back, leaving him to it she decided to try upstairs.  
she noticed Finn in the kitchen on her way back surrounded by a couple frat boys who were all laughing obnoxiously, her eyes rolled so much she thought she’d have lost them in the back of her head.  
Anxiously she ascended the stairs, it was dark in the hallway of the first floor but she noticed a stream of light coming from one of the bedrooms. Taking in a deep breathe, Clarke knocked on the door “Come in” Lexa called, Clarke exhaled, thankful to have finally found her and pushed the door open to reveal Lexa, she wore a short black dress that clung to her tanned skin, her hair pulled back on either side by intricate braids, like nothing Clarke had ever seen before, she almost forgot how to speak when Lexa had noticed her, a soft familiar smile spread across her face, Clarke thought it felt like home.  
“Clarke hey! you made it” She exclaimed, pulling her into a hug, the scent of Lexa’s sweet perfume had taken over Clarkes mind, mixed with the faint smell of alcohol, Clarke didn't want to let go  
“Hey Lex, I got your present” she smiled weakly back, her usual confidence had disappeared as she anxiously handed over the rectangular gift, Lexa frowned slightly looking from the wrapped present to the younger blonde “Clarke you didn’t have to honestly” Lexa held Clarke’s gaze for what Clarke thought was surely a little longer than usual before she walked over to the bed and motioned for Clarke to sit on the spot next to her, so Clarke followed suit.  
Lexa began to delicately unwrap the present, preserving every piece of wrapping paper she possibly could have before she unveiled the canvas Clarke had worked on the night before.  
“…You did this?” Lexa almost whispered as her fingers traced over the dried paint, the brush marks Clarke had left “For me?” Lexa couldn’t seem to comprehend, why would Clarke do this for her, she thought she always got on the blondes nerves  
“Of course its for you, happy birthday Lex” She grinned widely. Lexa stood up leaning it against her bedroom wall and taking a step back, so she could take in the entire painting. It was of her, a portrait of lexis face created in a mass of pastel colours that had been splashed across the canvas “Its amazing Clarke, really..” She said still lost for words, she turned to the blonde and the expression was one Clarke had never seen before, her eyes wide and her brow tense, she slowly walked over to the younger girl, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear, she brought her lips to Clarke’s cheek, who’s eyes shut immediately at the contact of the other girl.  
“Thank you” she whispered into her ear, when she’d moved away Clarke opened her eyes, Lexa was staring at her, Clarke didn't say anything, she couldn’t say anything, she didn’t even know why she painted that, why in the early hours of the morning it was Lexa who had inspired her to paint again.  
All she could do was walk away, only looking back as she walked out of the door, Lexa’s expression hadn’t changed, there was no sign of hurt or anger that Clarke was for some reason expecting, with that she was lost amongst the noise and alcohol down the stairs. 

Clarke quickly rejoined Raven and Octavia by the drinks, where she knew the two would be, Octavia passed her a plastic cup filled with a dark liquid, without even thinking Clarke downed the entirety of the cup, slamming it on the table next to them. she recoiled as the taste of whiskey burnt her throat “Ugh could have given me some warning there O” she said, reaching for a can of beer.  
“I didn’t think you were going to drink it all in one I’m sorry, have you seen Lincoln anywhere I thought he’d already be here” Octavia asked, leaning on Raven to try and see over the party.  
“No sorry I haven’t, Liam might have seen him, you should go ask him” Clarke said as she began to drink the cool beer  
“Okay thanks Clarkey” Octavia smiled pecking her lightly on the cheek and running off into the crowd, Why was that kiss different..  
Clarke found herself replaying the moment upstairs over and over in her head, forgetting Raven was sat opposite her.  
“Lot going on in that head of yours tonight princess, you okay?” She mused, breaking Clarke from her trail of thought, Clarke merely looked over at her she couldn’t even find where to start with what was going on in her head, settling for a shrug she continued sipping her beer.  
“Come on Clarke its me, If you want Collins our of here say the word I’ll get rid of him” Raven said as she stood up looking around the room as if she was about to take him out there and then.  
“Its fine Raye, I think I’m gonna have a cigarette, you coming?” Clarke didn’t usually smoke, she did when she was stressed and drunk, those were her main occasions, her mother had found a carton of cigarettes in her bedroom when she was 16, Clarke didn’t know Abbey even had it in her to shout so loud, since then she hasn’t had them as often.  
“Sure kidda” Raven said as she took Clarke’s hand and lead her through the party out into the garden.  
She saw Lexa and her brother sitting on some deck chairs with a few of Lexa’s college friends who Clarke didn’t recognise, until she spotted someone on the end. Her teeth gritted together as she forced herself to look away.  
“Hey Clarke! Get over here!” Liam called from across the garden  
“That idiot” Raven muttered under her breath


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I was really enjoying writing this fic and couldn't wait till Monday to update, hope you guys enjoy this thank you for all the wonderful comments!

“Hey Clarke! Get over here!” Liam called from across the garden

“That idiot” Raven muttered under her breath “Want me to deal with this Clarke? You don’t have to go over there” Raven lightly rested her hand on Clarke’s forearm, Clarke looked from the group behind her back to Raven “Its fine, I got this one Ray” Clarke forced a smile, trying her best to hide the anger building up within her, it seemed lately it was just one thing after another building on top of her. The blonde dug in her purse to grab the carton of cigarettes she’d thrown in there before sparking one and taking a deep drag “Lets do this” she breathed as she released the smoke from her lungs. The two walked over to the rest of the group, Clarke kept her eyes fixed on the ground, not wanting to catch Lexa’s, Finn’s or Liam’s gaze. 

“Heyyy here she is, my princess” Finn called from the centre of the circle, his slurred words and slumped body language showed just how drunk he was already, Clarke’s mouth pulled into a tight smile as she walked straight over to him and grabbed him gently by the arm “Hey Finn.. can we just go over there for a quick chat?” she said softly, not wanting to draw any attention to the situation, now they were surrounded by a bunch of strangers 

“I don’t want to talk” Finn grinned as he tried pulling her towards him 

“Finn. I’m being serious, come over here and have a chat with me, stop playing around” Clarke hissed trying to keep their voices down, the group were slowly noticing the twos interaction slowly becoming a commotion 

“No let go of me! Why should I do what you tell me!” Finn raised his voice pushing her grip off his arm before turning to the rest of the group, Clarke saw his mouth open as he began to talk and she pulled him with little force “Finn come on, stop being an idiot” he closed his mouth and stumbled after her, Clarke felt her brothers protective eyes watching her as she tried to escort Finn away, she dared to look back behind her, green eyes pierced into hers and she felt like in that moment everything around her faded away, Clarke stared into the jungle within Lexa’s eyes, the warmth that emitted from them, they seemed so full of life, she wondered if Liam ever looked in Lexa’s eyes and thought these things, saw the things that hid behind them like Clarke just had. Reality quickly reappeared around her and her heartbeat quickened in pace to match that of the bass pumping out of the house, her mouth felt dry, she had to drag her eyes away, concentrating on walking Finn across the garden, _this has to stop_ she thought to herself 

“Okay Clarke what is it what do you want” Finn slurred as he almost fell onto the bench, his eyes not quite holding hers as they went in and out of focus 

“Why are you here Finn? Why did you come here? We’re over, these are my friends, you were invited as my plus one and I _didn’t_ bring you!” Clarke was getting annoyed, he had done things like this before when they had gone on breaks, but this was the first time Clarke knew it was really over, and all she felt was relief. 

“Why? You got another boyfriend here is that it Clarke?” Finns mood had quickly changed as it always did, he’d gone from looking lost and swaying to now sitting up aggressive, eyes burning into Clarke’s 

“No Finn, I think you should leave” Clarke didn’t even rise to it, she took another draw of her cigarette before stubbing it out and sitting next to him on the bench “I know its hard for you Finn but its over” she repeated 

“WHO IS HE” Finn almost roared as he stood up turning to look down on Clarke. 

“Keep you voice down Finn, there is no he! I’m just done with it!” She looked up at him, it scared her when he was like this, though she’d never let it show, she knew what he was capable of she’d seen the boy in fights many times before. 

“I think you better leave Finn” Liam had appeared behind him with Bellamy and Lincoln standing either side 

“This is BULLSHIT!” he yelled “I’m trying to talk to my girlfriend will you all just leave us alone!” He was clearly not accepting the fact Clarke had left him, which was making her more and more irritated the longer she spent in his company “I’m not you’re girlfriend Finn” Clarke muttered as she began to lift herself off the bench when she felt a painful force in the middle of her chest knocking her right back onto it. Looking down in confusion at what had caused the pain she looked back up to see Lincoln and Bellamy holding Finn back as Liam laid punches into his face 

“He’s not worth it Liam, just get rid of him” Clarke muttered as she again tried to stand, quickly being joined by Octavia who began to fuss over her and check that she wasn’t hurt, again everybody's voices began to fade away as she looked up to see Lexa walking over, Clarke shook her head, she was stronger than this, she couldn’t let this happen. 

“You fuck boy!” she heard raven shout as she kicked at Finns legs whilst he got dragged out of the party, Clarke and Octavia exchanged a smile over their friend. 

“You’re sure your okay? That idiot I can’t believe he’d do that” Octavia shook her head as the boys disappeared into the house 

“I promise O I’m fine, thank you” Clarke said as she kissed her lightly on the forehead “Go find Lincoln I’ll be okay” she smiled squeezing the younger girls hand who beamed at her and followed after him into the house, Clarke knew she’d been looking for him all night, she didn’t want this party to be ruined because of Finn Collins. 

 

“You look like you could do with a drink, whatdya say?” Lexa grinned down at Clarke with a side smile that she’d always held a soft spot for, ever since they’d first met in Clarke’s first year of high school.. Clarke shook off the thoughts for the hundredth time

“A drink is exactly what I need.” She looked up at the girl, taking her hand in her own felt like clinging onto an electric fence, shocks ran up her arm, swinging down her spine until her whole body felt alive from the slightest gentlest of touches. 

The night passed in blurs, Clarke’s head swayed to the music as the music came in and out of focus, she spoke, unable to recall what she was saying but Lexa laughed, it was such a sweet noise and entirely contagious, before she knew it they were both crying with laughter, tears in their eyes. 

 

Lexa passed her shot after shot, they found Raven and Octavia dancing close by dancing with a couple of girls Clarke recognised but she didn’t pay much attention, she was in awe by this girl, by how funny she was, how smart she way, in the intervals of dancing and drinking Lexa and Clarke spoke about the world, about politics, about art, about anything that came to their mind “I mean she’s the better of two evils right?” Lexa slurred as her, Clarke, Raven and Octavia discussed the recent election “DO NOT GET ME STARTED!” Raven yelled at the three girls as she poured them all another shot “I’m not happy about it and I am not accepting it PLEASE talk about something else! AND GET ME A SHOT!” the other girls all exchanged a look of mutual fondness for Raven. Clarke and Lexa also spoke about her photography, the younger girl found it so endearing how passionate this girl was she never wanted her to stop talking as she admired her in complete adoration “I got my first camera off my grandad when I was seven, ever since then I’ve just been fascinated in capturing the emotion behind a single moment, you get that right? With your art work Its like the emotion seeps from the canvas’s, that what I want people to feel when they look at my photographs, the way I felt when..” Lexa stopped for a second as she brought her eyes back up to look at Clarke’s “WHO WANTS WHISKEY” Liam shouted as he bounded in-between the two girls, putting his arm around Lexa, Clarke noticed a slight moment of what seemed like panic the be behind the brunettes eyes, but it was gone before Clarke could even be sure it had ever existed. 

 

They were in the garden, Lexa handed Clarke a cigarette, she looked around as the cold crisp air bit at the bare skin of her arms and legs, she accepted the cigarette and let Lexa light it for her. 

she looked around wondering how they had ended up alone in the garden, the noise of the party had quietened but was not yet over, her head felt like it had finally stopped spinning and she could finally focus on the world around her. 

“Its been an eventful party” Lexa mused as she watched her friends through the patio doors, a smile ghosted across her lips and Clarke swore she’d never seen anything quite so beautiful 

Lexa was like the sunrise Clarke had always wanted to stay up and watch, she had the calmness of the ocean on a spring day, her deep green eyes had turned back to meet the blue of Clarke’s 

“You having a good night?” Lexa’s voice raspy yet soft, Clarke could have sworn she saw those green eyes flicker down to her lips and back up.. I _’m just drunk_ she thought… 

“I had an amazing night Lex, thanks for inviting me” Clarke drunkenly smiled and leaned back onto the bench, taking a draw on her cigarette, before watching the smoke disappear before her eyes 

She felt a warm weight on her shoulder, looking down to find Lexa’s head resting there, she heard her sigh lightly.

Clarke didn’t move her, instead she chose to move her arm around her, lightly brushing her brunette locks away from her face, she smiled as she looked up into the vastness of the night sky, storm clouds were fast approaching and before she knew it rain began to splatter softly onto the two of their cheeks, Clarke nudged Lexa who was almost asleep, she smiled looking down at the older girl, she felt like the eye of the storm, the world was blackening around them, darkened clouds overcast closing in on them it were as if the world was bending and trembling at this girls beauty and all Clarke could do is watch as the chaos erupted. Lexa looked up, smiling as she raised her head allowing the rain drops to fall onto her perfectly sculpted face 

“Lets go” She said. 

  
  
Clarke awoke the next morning with a head heavier than her conscience, she heard rain battering a nearby window and the sounds of familiar voices coming from another room. Stretching her arms out by the side of her Clarke opens her eyes, a moment of panic when she doesn’t recognise where she is, she looks around at the bedroom she finds herself in. Jumping out the bed she makes for the door when she hears her brothers voice from down the hall. She exhales in relief and nods remembering she’s at Lexa’s house. She follows his voice down the hall way trying to remember which room was the girls from the night before, her mind was almost completely blank. 

“Liam?” She calls as she pushes the door open, she breathes in quickly stepping back from the door as she sees Liam capturing Lexa’s lips in his own. 

“Clarke hey, how you feeling?” He smiles, cocking his head as he notices her expression “you alright sis?” 

“Yeh I’m.. I’m getting a taxi I’ll see you later” she almost runs down the stairs and out the front door 

_Okay_ , she thinks to herself, _I’m really screwed._


	4. Chapter 4

Clarke slammed the door shut behind her leaning her head back onto it, looking up to the ceiling fan “Clarke honey, is that you?” Abby called her from upstairs. Clarke thought about ignoring her, turning around and running straight back outside but something stopped her. She looked at a framed photo hung on the wall by the door, familiar blue eyes looked back at her, older and wiser than her own, all at once she felt like she was at home yet she was so lost. “Hey mom” She called back, still staring at her fathers photograph, she took it down off of the wall carrying it up to her room with her. 

she dropped her purse on her desk and collapsed onto her bed, photograph in hand, staring intently. She remembered a conversation her and Lexa had last night about photography, her words had stuck with the blonde, _capturing the emotion behind a single moment_ … Clarke wondered what her dad was thinking when this photo was being took, Clarke was hanging onto his back, her face leaning on top of his, he had one arm around Liam, the other around Abby. He was looking into the camera a big grin spread across his face. Clarke traced the lines around his eyes, he always had a solution to everything, whenever Clarke needed advice he had it, whenever Liam got into trouble he’d tell him what he needed to do. Clarke wiped the tears that had began to spill from her eyes “What do I do dad? What do I do without you” she whimpered, she hadn’t allowed herself to go there in so long, she let the feeling take over her as she cried clutching his photograph, missing him came in waves. 

She didn't know how long she’d been lay like this, how long it had been since she stopped crying. A knocking came from the door, Clarke didn’t even bother looking, she didn’t respond, there was a moment of silence, then the door creaked open. 

“Oh baby, what’s wrong” Abby looked down at her daughter, she looked so fragile curled up in a ball on her bed, she noticed the photo frame next to her. It hurt any mother to see their daughter in pain, Abby had tried to be as strong as she could, and she knew Clarke inherited this strength, but when hers cracked a little bit the whole thing came shattering down. 

She sat on the bed next to her daughter “I miss him too you know, every minute of the day” she cooed as she stroked Clarke’s blonde hair softly. 

“I need him mom” she just about managed to whimper out the words before turning to her mom and embracing her, it had been a while since they’d last hugged, Abby had missed 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

It had been just over a week since Lexa’s party, Clarke had kept herself busy organising her life for college, helping Raven and Octavia move into their new dorm, she wondered if she’d made the right decision staying at home instead of moving with them, but she knew deep down she wasn’t ready, she was still so weak.. She needed time. before she knew it the end of her summer had come and gone, the new chapter of her life had already began. The morning of her first day had finally arrived, she couldn’t ignore the nervous feeling in her stomach as she drove, feeling sicker the closer she got. she’d gotten there early enough to find herself a good parking spot close to her first lecture, introduction to art history. grabbing a bottle of water from her backpack and a carton of cigarettes from her glove box she lit a cigarette in attempt to calm down the nerves in her stomach. _This is ridiculous_ she said to herself as she almost shook her head at her own anxiety, in school Clarke was confident, she was popular and she knew everyone, the idea of walking into a room full of strangers seemed to scare Clarke to her core, but she had to do this. 

“Those will kill you one day yaknow” a familiar voice sounded from behind her, smiling instantly as she knew who it was she turned to be welcomed by the soft green eyes she hadn’t been able to get out of her head all week. “Hey Lex” she grinned, offering the older girl a cigarette with one hand whilst taking a drag with the other. “Hey blondie, first day today then?” she accepted the cigarette stepping closer to lean against the side of Clarke’s car with her. She was wearing black skinny jeans with sneakers, a green bomber jacket over a plain white tee. 

“Yeah, I thought a cigarette would calm my nerves” she answered frankly as she took another drag and looked over at the brunette, Lexa frowned at her as if she was speaking a foreign language 

“You’re kidding me right? You, nervous?” Lexa shook her head, revealing her perfectly white teeth as she smiled again “You’re gonna do great Clarke don’t worry about anybody in that building” She waved her hand in the direction of the college “Listen, I’ve been meaning to message you this week actually” Lexa continued, Clarke’s eyes shot up to Lexa’s, _Lexa wanted to message me?_ she cocked her head to the side, signalling for Lexa to continue “Yeah that modelling thing I asked you about last week? don’t worry its not like you’ll be doing a proper photoshoot they’ll be fairly candid photos it would just be a really big help to me if you’re still up for it?” Lexa bit her lip and looked over at Clarke, gingerly waiting for her response. “Uh yeh I guess so, I’m not much of a model though like I said, I’ve never done anything like this..” Clarke knew if anybody else was asking this of her it’d be a straight up no, she wasn’t in to people taking her photo, it was different at parties or whatever but just her and a camera, it felt weird but she trusted Lexa, she wanted to help her and would do anything she could to make the girl smile at her the way she just did 

“You know you’re a star right, how about you come meet me for lunch today and we’ll talk about it a bit more? 12:30?” Lexa’s face lit up when Clarke agreed and the blonde vowed to herself she was going to make that girl smile as often as she could. “12:30 sounds good Lex, see you then” 

 

Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about their exchange, it definitely calmed her nerves when it came to thinking of her first class, because she wasn’t thinking of class at all if she was honest, that was now the last thing on her mind. She knew she was going to have to confront these feelings she’d been having at some point, she knew this couldn’t just carry on but there was just something about it that felt so right, not like when she started to like Finn that was different, he gradually grew on her, Lexa was someone Clarke had always noticed, someone she’d always looked up to, respected, and she remembers that pang in her chest when Liam brought her home, how happy Abby had been that he was finally getting better and it was Lexa that was helping him.. 

“Good morning class! Welcome to Marymount college!” Clarke jumped up her attention moving toward the front of the class. The teacher began rambling about how exciting it was to see so many new faces, Clarke couldn’t listen completely, she took notes when she needed to, wrote down important deadline dates but other than that her mind was revolving around the certain brunette who hadn’t really left her thoughts.. 

Her phone buzzed and she grabbed her phone quicker than a bullet from her pocket, in hopes it would be who she thought. It wasn’t Lexa, but she read on anyway

 

**Reyes** (9:10 am): Good luck today Griff! hope you’re painting some lovely pictures or whatever it is you art students do, fancy meeting me and O for lunch at 12:30? 

 

Clarke bit her lip wondering whether or not she should tell the truth.. 

 

**Princess Griffin** (9:12 am): Thank you Raven! I hope engineering is more fun than it sounds ;) I can’t meet you guys this lunch but I’ll swing by your place later with some drinks?

 

**Reyes** (9:12 am): Engineering is so fun you know this Clarke. Booo whats more important than the two most important women of your life? But yes you are welcome to come round 

 

**Princess Griffin** (9:13 am): Yeh yeh sure it is, I’ll fill you in on my day later, have a good one send my love to O <3 

 

Clarke put her phone back into her pocket, she looked up quickly to check the professor hadn’t noticed her and she began to furiously type in her notes trying to catch up with what she had missed through her daydreams and texting. She realised she hadn’t even paid any attention to any of her class, she didn’t even take in who they were, her eyes scanned round the room to see if she recognised anybody, she didn’t. The rest of the two classes that day passed her in a blur, is was although she was watching somebody else attend for her, she didn’t even have time to meet anybody off her course, she was so busy making notes and planning what her first project was going to be, she checked her phone nearing the end of the last class to see what she had been hoping for all morning 

 

**Lexa Woods** (12:20 pm): Hey Clarke! I finished early so I can meet you outside your building? see you soon x 

 

Clarke checked the time on her phone, class finished in a couple of minutes. her nerves began to build back up like they had this morning but this time they were worse. Sure she’d spent loads of time with Lexa over the past two years, but usually with Liam or at a party. Clarke tried to shake off these thoughts she was having, _I’m being ridiculous, Lexa is Liam’s girlfriend_ she told herself. Clarke’s attention was soon pulled elsewhere when everybody in the class began standing up and grabbing their things, the lesson had finished without her even realising it. Clarke packed her laptop away into her bag and followed suit, making her way out of the building. Her eyes scanned the crowd for Lexa as she walked down the steps from the entrance, who she soon spotted sitting on the bonnet of Clarke’s car scrolling through her phone. The corner of Clarke’s lips turned up as she bowed her head slightly, making her way over to the brunette, Lexa looked up and smiled at Clarke, sliding off the bonnet and pocketing her phone “Sorry I had a lot of time to kill and was tired of standing” Lexa said as she pulled Clarke into a hug “How was class then Picasso” she grinned and let go of the blonde. Clarke chuckled, pushing away the nagging feeling in her stomach

“It was okay, boring stuff mostly” She opened her car door 

“get in”

Without hesitation Lexa hopped into the passenger seat, she started playing with the radio as Clarke put her car in reverse, she pulled out of the college car park and turned onto the street, quickly glancing over at Lexa 

“Fasten your seatbelt Lex.” The brunette did so and leant her head back on the seat, Clarke’s car smelt like vanilla and was super clean, not like Liam who’s car was usually like a trash can, she leaned to the side to look straight at Clarke, watching her as she concentrated on the road. 

“Where’d you wanna go for lunch?” Clarke asked as she slowed at the stop sign biting her lip.

“We could go to the drop ship?” Lexa asked, Clarke hummed in agreement, slightly squinting as the sunlight hit her face, illuminating waves of blonde hair, her eyes a deeper blue than any ocean, deep enough to fall in and drown.Lexa stared at the other girl for a few seconds, a frown on her face as she watched Clarke, she began to open her bag and pulled out her camera. Making some adjustments to the aperture she raised it to her eyes and snapped a photo, Clarke raised her eyebrows and turned to her, she couldn’t help but smile, Lexa’s camera clicked again as she took another photo

“A little warning next time hey Lex” 

“Art doesn’t give warnings” Lexa chuckled as she rested her head on the window, looking out as the streets passed them by. 

“You’re a dork” 

Lexa feigned shock before shoving her softly on her arm. 

 

They’d found a table in the back of the coffee shop, it was relatively quiet for the lunch rush, tucked away just outside the town centre. A waitress with brown curls came over and took their order, smiling sweetly before turning on her heel. 

“So, basically I’m focusing on candid photography for my winter assignment, I want a series of photos that just make you feel like you’re in that moment with the person, looking at them and not a picture, I want a sense of realism and you know you’re really photogenic..” Lexa trailed off, Clarke thought she noticed the girls cheeks redden slightly. Clarke felt a tornado of butterflies in her stomach, she opened her mouth to speak cut off by Lexa’s phone vibrating on the table, she noticed Liam’s name flashing on it 

“Sorry Clarke One sec - Hey babe, yeah I’m just grabbing lunch with Clarke, yeah I’m with her now,” 

The swarm of butterflies had died down Clarke felt her heart drop, _I’m her boyfriends younger sister, let it go_

“huh? Okay okay that’s fine no worries, yeah okay bye” Lexa hung up quickly

“Sorry about that, it was Liam, he’s out with Lincoln and Bellamy later” 

“No worries, hows he doing lately is he okay?” 

The waitress had returned with their lattes and two grilled cheese sandwiches, Lexa said a quick thanks before taking a sip of her drink, she looked out the window, Clarke couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in her mind, what those green eyes were seeing.. 

“Hmm he’s okay, he’s better than he has been” 

“Yeah you’re telling me, my mom thinks you’re some kind of saint” Clarke looked up as Lexa laughed

“I’m not, I mean he’s calmer lately but that’s not me, thats him dealing with it” 

“Yeah I guess you’re right” 

They finished their lunch and coffees and Lexa began fiddling with her camera, Clarke watched out the window, watching people pass by and wondering what they were doing with their days, who they were looking forward to go home to.. 

Clarke heard a familiar click and spun round to see Lexa hidden behind her camera, she lowered it and stuck her tongue out at Clarke Clarke’s phone began to ring, Lexa stood to pay the bill

 

“Hello?”

“Clarkeee where are you” 

She looked down at her phone to see Raven’s name 

“I’m just with Lexa at the minute whats up?”

“Lexa? Is Liam with you? Me and Octavia wanted to have a bit of a girls night slash moving in drinks if you’re down for it? We have an air bed with your name all over it” 

“No just me and Lexa we grabbed lunch after class and you know me Reyes I’d love to”

“Okay good be there at five, O says bring Lexa too, byeeee” 

And with that she’d hung up, Clarke tried to rid herself of the thoughts that were creeping up on her all to often. 

“Everything okay Clarke?” Lexa strode over back to where they had been sitting

“Yeah, what are you doing for the rest of the day Lex?” 

“I have no plans today”

“Raven and O want us to go round their dorm for moving in drinks or something like that, you wanna come? They have an airbed that you can have, I’ll just jump in with one of them” 

“Sure why not, I’ve not seen them properly in a while, what time?” 

“Five” Clarke smiled as she picked up her keys and purse from the table following Lexa out the exit. 

Clarke drove them back to her house first, leaving Lexa in the car as she dropped off her laptop and grabbed an overnight bag along with a bottle of rum. They then got to Lexa’s flat, Lexa invited her in to wait as they still had just over an hour to kill. Clarke followed the brunette into her room, the first thing she noticed was the painting that hung on the wall, the painting Clarke had given her. She crossed the room and stood facing it, tracing the cracked paint that outlined Lexa’s jawline

“I hope this doesn’t seem vain of me” Lexa too was standing looking up at the painting “hanging a painting of myself on my own wall, I just thought the way you’d painted it, its a beautiful piece of work, the colors…How’d you do that?” she trailed off Clarke turned to look at Lexa, her hair in a messy bun, the dim orange glow from the lamp illuminated her tanned skin, she really was beautiful, she still asked herself everyday how her brother did it? 

“No.. I’m glad you hung it up” Clarke spoke softly as she glided her fingers along the edge of the canvas, looking back up at it 

“You’re beautiful, all I did was paint you.” The words escaped her mouth before she could even realize what she had said, she pushed away her anxiety and bit down hard on her lip trying to keep herself grounded before she looked back. 

Lexa was staring back at her, her eyebrows slightly raised, her eyes seemed darker than she had seen them before 

“Well it was my favourite gift, thank you Clarke” Lexa left the blonde stood by the painting as she gathered her things together, Clarke smiled to herself as the girls words replayed in her mind.

 

The two made one more stop on their way at a convenience store where Lexa had bought a bottle of wine. The rain had began to pour outside but the two girls felt content in the warmth of Clarke’s car, the radio played Fast Car by Tracy Chapman on a low volume, a feeling of content lingered over them. Lexa was the first one to break their silence since she got back in the car

“Has Finn bothered you since my party?” 

Clarke hadn’t even thought of Finn, she’d almost forgotten his unannounced arrival at Lexa’s, she hadn’t even bothered to message him to check he was alright, but the truth was she didn’t really care anymore.

“No, I haven’t heard from him since” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t kick him out sooner, I didn’t know the two of you had split up”

Clarke sighed glancing over to where Lexa was sitting.

“Don’t be sorry you didn’t know, it was a long time coming” 

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking” 

“He was an asshole. He’d been cheating on me for a long while and I was stupid to believe his lies, he even tried hitting on Raven” Clarke laughed bitterly “I wasted too long on him”

“I always thought you were better than him” 

Clarke frowned, silent for a moment, Lexa awaited her response as she watched the girl mull over something in her head

“I could say the same thing to you” 

Lexa sighed, as if it was the exact answer she was expecting. She leaned her arm against the car door, resting her head on her hand

“Your brothers a good guy, he's just been through a rough time” 

Clarke just hummed in agreement, but Lexa knew she didn’t agree. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke and Lexa finally arrive at the college dorms, welcomed by a already tipsy Raven and Octavia

“Lexaaa!” Octavia almost screams “I’m so happy you’re here!” She grabs the girl into a clumsy embrace before pulling the both of the inside. 

The dorm room was small, but cosy. Posters plastered the walls on either side of the room, a large television sat on a table opposite the two beds, next to it a large painted canvas hung proudly. Clarke immediately recognised it, she’d painted it for her two best friends before the summer, as a gift for their new home. The three of them stood ankle deep in the frothy sea water, almost silhouettes against the vibrant orange, red and yellow sunset reflecting of the water. Clarke walked over to the painting, letting the bumps and smears of dried paint graze her fingertips, it was a fond memory of each girls, their last spring break in high school. 

“You did this?” Lexa’s voice, slightly raspy sounded next to Clarke, she turned to the older girl, her green eyes full of wonder as she gazed over the artwork. 

“It’s incredible isn’t? We always tell our Clarkey how talented she is but she won’t listen” Raven appears between the two of them, throwing her arms over both their shoulders, planting a sloppy kiss on Clarke’s cheek 

“Eugh Ray” Clarke squealed, pushing her friend off of her, before flashing a smile her way. 

“It’s beautiful” Lexa agreed, reciprocating the blonde’s smile.

Octavia had poured them both shots of the whiskey Lexa had bought which they both accepted, throwing them back and slamming them down on the counter. 

The night wore on and the girls lay on the two beds jumping from one conversation to another, Clarke sat back and watched the girls chat away, she studied Lexa’s face from the bed opposite. Her eyes deep like the forrest she had stared into that day at the diner with Finn, she could wander in their for hours, days, taking in every branch of Lexa’s life. The older girl had an air of fierceness around her, which if you didn’t know her could be intimidating but not to Clarke. Clarke saw not only the strength behind it but also the softness, she watched as her eyes lit up in delight, eyebrows raising as Raven told her a story. 

“Remember that day Clarke?” Raven looked over at her, wiping the tears from her eyes as she finished laughing. 

 

The drinks were continuously being poured, spilt and drank, the four girls still slumped around the room

“Come on guys lets play a game, ya’ll are being pretty damn boring” Raven stood up looking down at Clarke, Octavia and Lexa all leaning on each other, backs against the wall. 

“Ray you’re games always end in me puking please don’t involve me” Clarke tried her best puppy dog eyes, jutting out her bottom lip trying to plead with Raven, ignoring the girls attempt to feign sadness as she placed the empty bottle of whiskey in the middle of them and span it, conveniently landing on Clarke. 

“Shut up Griffin you’re first, you know I don’t let anybody sit out” Raven grinned deviously as she carried over a bottle of rum and some mixer, Clarke sighed and sat up, knocking Octavia off of her shoulder as she did “Fine what’s the game” She reached out for the drink Raven was passing down to her. 

“Truth or dare” 

“Really?.. Truth” Clarke was drunk, but no way near drunk enough for Raven’s dares, not yet. 

“Is it true that you kissed Niylah when you and Collins were on a break” Raven smiled, tilting her head to Clarke awaiting her answer

Clarke stared at her in disbelief, her eyes darted to the other two girls who were both looking at her questioningly, yes it was true she had kissed Niylah at a party, she had been pretty drunk and Niylah was sort of persistent.. she didn’t think the other girl would have said anything or that she’d actually remember considering how drunk they had both been, but no obviously the news had spread

“Where did you guys even hear that?” Clarke frowned as she took a swig of rum and coke 

“ah ah ah, its me who’s asking the question” Raven wiggled her finger.

Clarke stared in disbelief, she honestly didn’t think she’d be having to tell them this tonight, especially Lexa

“Okay fine, yes.” She took a larger gulp of her drink this time, trying to avert her eyes from Lexa’s gaze, when she looked up Octavia’s eyes had widened in shock 

“And you didn’t tell ME!” 

“O don’t be ridiculous, it was nothing, I was real drunk so was she. I don’t know I guess it just happened!” Clarke exclaimed, trying to explain herself, whilst also trying to hold back the blush she knew was waiting to cover her cheeks. The other girls seemed to accept that as an answer and had carried on with their game, Raven was musing what she should dare Octavia to do, but Clarke didn't miss the way Lexa’s eyes had been studying her, keeping silent as the other two interrogated the blonde. 

 

Octavia finished her dare, having ordered a total of five different take outs to her ex boyfriends house, her eyes full of a mischievous glee she span the bottle landing on Lexa. 

“Lex! Truth or dare” Octavia clasped her hands together, Clarke knew the two had always got on well, they had been on the soccer team together in high school before Lexa left, and now O was dating one of Lexa’s best friends, Lincoln, she saw a fair amount of the other girl. 

Lexa inhaled through her teeth, obviously hoping it wouldn’t land on her, she seemed to think hard about the simple question, Clarke could imagine her weighing up the pros and cons

“Truth.” she finally answered, met by Ravens tutting “I thought you’d be fun Lex” Raven joked “Okay okay truth.. hmm..” It was as though you could see a light being turned on above Ravens head as she thought of a question “Oooooh I got one!” 

“Come one then Reyes we haven’t got all night” O slurred, leaning her head on Lexa’s shoulder, Clarke watched, wishing she could do the same.. 

“Is Liam any good in bed” Raven smirked as she took a sip of her drink, obviously happy with herself 

“Jesus Raven” Clarke exclaimed, eyebrows raised before resting both hands on either side of her head, Raven and Octavia rolled their eyes at Clarke before they both turned to Lexa

“Well?” O wiggled her eyebrows as she pushed for an answer

Looking between the three girls, Clarke was looking away covering her ears, obviously not wanting the answer, whereas Octavia and Raven seemed to be leaning in even closer, Lexa decided to tell the truth but also spare Clarke the embarrassment, so she too leant closer to the other girls “He’s not all that” she whispered, her mouth forming a one-sided smile at the look of shock on the two girls faces “Now its my turn” She span the bottle before Raven and O had a chance to respond

“Clarke”

Clarke had still been covering her ears trying to shut out whatever she might hear, Raven poked her on the shoulder

“Your go princess” 

 

The game went on for over an hour, the dunker they got the more truth had spilled out, Octavia found out Raven had kissed Bellamy at their graduation party, Lexa knew this already after hearing him boast the day after, much to Octavia’s dismay. 

Clarke was dared to finish off the rest of the rum, which she did easily. 

The girls had retired back to the beds, putting on a new horror film off Netflix, Raven slumped on Octavia in her bed, while Clarke and Lexa were leaning against the headboard of Ravens, slightly squished, Clarke tried to keep as much distance as the space would allow. 

Clarke listened as the other girls chatted and made jokes about the film, not really paying attention to either, her head span wildly as her mind grew hazier, the chatter had slowed and the film was drawing to an end, Raven was snoring on Octavia, who was also fast asleep. 

Lexa dropped her head beside her, casting her eyes down on Clarke, who's eyes darted straight up to stare back. Lexa didn’t say anything for a moment, not letting go of Clarke’s gaze, who was unsure whether she had fallen asleep or if this was real, the soft glow of the Television covered the room like a blue tinted blanket, Lexa’s eyes almost glittered in the dim lighting, as though galaxies sat behind them. Clarke reached her hand up to Lexa’s cheek without thinking, lightly dragging her fingertips over the girls cheekbones, Lexa smiled sweetly, obviously just as intoxicated as the blonde.

“Hey” she whispered, taking hold of Clarke’s hand and entwining their fingers together.

“Hey” Clarke replied. Lexa lifted her head, only to move it onto Clarke’s shoulder, nuzzling her head closer. Clarke froze at the touch, she couldn’t tell whether this was sobering her up or intoxicating her even more as she inhaled the scent of Lexa’s hair, she smelt like Cocoa butter and vanilla, sending Clarke’s head spinning once more. 

“Good night Clarke” Lexa breathed, so quiet Clarke almost missed it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys hope you enjoyed this chapter, sorry its just a short one I have a lot of deadlines this week, hopefully will be able to post a longer chapter next weekend!


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke awoke that morning to the sun glaring through the windows, though it were stabbing into Clarke’s eyes, she groaned before covering them with her hands and sitting up. Her eyes adjusted to the brightness, the scene outside looked still, somewhat serene.. The silence of the morning, nothing but birds chirping songs outside brought a slight smile to the blondes face, something about it all felt blissful. She felt something graze past her leg, immediately dropping her hands from her face, Lexa lay there next to her, fast asleep. She looked softer when sleeping, fragile almost, the confidence and fierceness that usually shone from her eyes wasn’t present, she looked a little younger when she slept, innocence shone from her. Clarke watched her a minute longer before being interrupted  
“Morning Clarkey” Octavia’s voice sounded from the other bed, Clarke’s head span to find the source of the voice, shocked that she had been caught staring at Lexa, the girl felt like it had just been the two of them alone in the world, just for a moment..   
“Morning O, you got any coffee here?” Clarke asked before rubbing her eyes, making sure she wasn’t dreaming before stepping out of the bed. The two girls went through to their communal kitchen, leaving Raven and Lexa sleeping, Clarke’s head pounded as she took each step, her hangover slowly worsening. Octavia and Clarke didn’t say a word to each other, O passed her a couple of painkillers for her hangover and they both carried through some coffee into the dorm room.  
“Claaaaaarke” Raven whined as Clarke returned, placing her coffee on the bedside table  
“What is it Ray?” Clarke grunted in reply, in no mood for Raven’s loud voice this early, she rubbed her fingers on her temple, trying to silence the pounding in her head   
“Drive us to the diner, come on lets all go for a breakfast!” 

Clarke finally gave in after being asked for the 5th time, Lexa had risen from the bed and was sipping at the coffee, laughing with the other girls as Clarke grew gradually more annoyed and caved, they all piled into her black Camry and she begrudgingly drove them across town to the diner they were all requesting, the diner where she had told Finn it was over.   
Raven had obviously called shot gun and was now fiddling with the radio stations, tucking her legs up underneath her as she did so. It was around a 20 minute drive, they cruised down the freeway windows open and music blasting out into the cool September morning, the crisp rush of oncoming air making their blow all over the place, Raven turns to the girls in the back, pouting and turning her face “Do I look like a model with my hair blowing in the wind” the other three cracked up at their friend. They all sink into a comfortable silence, subdued by the music, the sunshine, Reckoner by Radiohead blasts out of the speakers and Clarke swears there has been no moment more perfect than this, hey eyes dart to Lexa in the mirror who is looking right back at her, holding her gaze for a moment.   
Lexa observes her from the back seat for the rest of the journey, the way she looks behind the steering wheel, sunlight glowing off her golden hair, bouncing off her neck and shoulders. The lingering notes of the song echo in her mind. 

Lexa’s phone rings when they finally park up at the diner, gesturing for the other three to continue without her while she answers. Clarke looks back at her, one eyebrow raised. She knows it’ll be Liam, checking on her, seeing where she is and when they can meet up. An emptiness spreads inside her as her heart drops, though she’s spent this time with her the past day it meant nothing, she was always going to end up back in her brothers arms, behind the door across the hall, always close but never close enough. The girls ordered, it was the same sweet looking girl who had served her last time that took the orders, Lexa returned and sat herself by Clarke, who noticed the deliberate distance between them, she bit down on her lip and tried to concentrate on her pancakes.   
Lexa reached toward the table, pulling her plate closer, something seemed different about her since she returned, she diverted her eyes from Clarke, though she was involved in conversation, laughing at jokes the shift in her was obvious   
Lincoln had swung by the diner, Octavia had obviously texted them and he joined the girls, stealing bites off everybody's plates. When they had all finished Raven and O left their share of the bill, leaving with Lincoln to go back to campus, they departed leaving kisses on Lexa and Clarke’s faces, Clarke didn’t miss the way O’s eyes studied Clarke, lingering a second longer as if she was digging for an answer, splashing through the ocean that lay within them. Clarke and Lexa soon followed after them to Clarke’s car, before she had left a tip for the waitress.   
“I brought my camera, I thought we could take some photos today if thats alright?” Lexa spoke to Clarke directly for the first time that morning, it was almost unexpected.   
“Seriously? Have you seen me today Lex!” Clarke said exasperated, looking at her own reflection in her car mirror as Lexa joined her in the front.   
“Come onn I told you, its all about natural beauty” her head was turned but Clarke still caught that little wisp of a smile, one that she wasn’t meant to see, but she did.   
“Do you know of anywhere we could go?” Lexa asked, her voice soft and delicate as her head shifted back to face Clarke’s   
“I know a place” The blonde smiled, clicking her seatbelt into place, starting her engine as Lexa did the same. She drove them down to the woods at the bottom of the hill, parking up by the entrance. She grabbed her scarf from the back seat before she got out of her car.

Fall had always been Clarke’s favourite season, it was as though the earth was staring a clean slate, wiping out the old, she found comfort in the orange and red hues of leaves that drifted to the ground from high above her, creating a blanket over the forrest floor. Clarke had always wondered what it felt like to fall so freely, be carried by the wind, letting go from branches and leaving behind everything you knew, floating out into the unknown.. As she looked at Lexa, who was know beside her, eyes scanning the scene before them, she realised she know knew this feeling.   
“It’s amazing here” Lexa stared, her canon hung from her neck, the slight upwards curve of her lips.  
The two of them trudged through the winding path, sunlight creeped passed the gaps in trees, rays of brightness cast shapes on the leafy ground. Lexa began to take photos of the scene around them, Clarke walked over to a fallen tree, sitting on it a she observed the other girl, before also taking in the vastness of her surroundings. 

*Click* 

Clarke looked up to find Lexa in front of her, camera pressed to her eye, she smiled at the older girl shyly

*Click* 

They carried on walking through the woods, not saying much to the other, both immersed in the beauty that lay before them   
Coming to a clearing, a small patch of grass, the gilrs both stopped, the sun illuminated the area, the grass glistened in the afternoon light.  Clarke wandered over to it, blue bells fighting through the leaves trying to grow. The clicking of Lexa’s camera now didn't bother Clarke, it became background noise. After a while the two sat down on a couple of tree stump, Lexa brought a bottle of water from her bag, handing it to the blonde who accepted it gladly  
“Thanks for doing this for me Clarke” Lexa spoke, seriousness in her voice  
“Don’t thank me Lex, besides I like spending the time with you” Lexa studied her face, frowning slightly, she nodded finally, taking a swig of her own water as she looked down, shifting her feet.   
“Thanks for inviting me last night, I had a great time with you guys” Clarke heard the sincerity in hervoice   
“Thanks for coming, I know those guys are a little over bearing” Clarke chuckled softly, thinking about Raven and Octavia’s intrusive questions from their game of truth or dare, she looked to Lexa, who seemed to be deep in thought too.  
“How come you did kiss Niylah?” Lexa’s question lingers in the air between them, taking Clarke by surprise, she feels a heat rising in her cheeks   
“Sorry, sorry I shouldn’t have asked, I jus-“   
“It was a mistake” Clarke cut her off “I was drunk, Finn had really pissed me off, and the girl had been trying it with me for months I thought why the hell not at the time, it felt right at that moment I guess” Clarke finished, biting her lip as she looked to the other girl, trying to understand what was going on in that head of hers, what was she mulling over in her mind.   
“Was she the first girl you’ve kissed?” Lexa pondered, averting Clarke’s gaze at all costs.   
“Yeah and the last” Clarke smiled, she had been glad she’d done it, because it had put so many questions in her head to rest, yeah she enjoyed kissing Niylah, not because she wanted a relationship with her or even liked her that much, but she’d always wondered what it would be like to kiss a girl, she remembers the tenderness of it all, soft lips against hers, the absence of a stubble grazing against her cheeks, it felt right.   
“I kissed a girl at the beginning of junior year” Lexa stated, Clarke almost choked on her water at the confession, this wasn’t something she had been anticipating   
“Costia, do you remember her from school? We were pretty good friends and we’d drank a whole lot that night.. One thing lead to another before I knew it we were making out” Clarke watched as Lexa relived the scene in her head, she said nothing allowing Lexa to continue, she did remember Costa from school.. She’d forgotten about how close the two were.  
“We haven’t been friends since, she ignored my texts the first few weeks, and after that I’d started seeing your brother, she tried to confront me about it then but by that point I was over it” Clarke noticed the bitterness behind the last words, _she was over it?_   
“Did you like her?” Clarke’s voice was small when she spoke, close to a whisper.   
“Now I look back on it I think maybe I did? Don’t get me wrong I loved your brother, he’s such a sweet guy, I know he’s done some bad things but he treats me right” Lexa smiled as the thought of Liam crossed her mind, the smile was weak Clarke thought,   
“Don’t say anything, will you Clarke?” Lexa looked up at her, her eyes slightly wilder.   
Clarke stared at her, did she really think Clarke would do anything to ever hurt her? She walked over to where Lexa was still sat, lightly cupping her cheek with on hand, allowing her thumb to graze over the softness of Lexa’s skin, before kissing her lightly on her cheek

“Never” she replied. 

 

Clarke had drove home, dropping Lexa there so she could meet Liam,   
“Aren’t you coming in?” Lexa asked, her eyes full of confusion, Clarke’s blue eyes scrutinised the contour of the girls face, soaking in the fine details of her perfectly mapped out cheek bones  
“I have some errands to run” She lied before smiling at her, they held each others stare before Clarke reversed out of the drive way, Lexa stood there a moment longer watching her leave.  Clarke’s mind was buzzing with what she had learnt that day. Why had Lexa asked her those things, and in turn shared her own secrets too? Clarke tapped her fingers on the steering wheel, trying to put all these pieces together. She felt like an impossipuzzle, one of those huge jigsaws with thousands of pieces that all looked pretty similar but were so very different.   
She ends up back at Raven and Octavia’s, O answered the door with a cocked eyebrow  
“Hey Clarke, wasn’t expecting you, you good?” She asks as she pulls her into a hug, noticing the stiffness of the blonde girl, she keeps her hands resting on either arm, pulling away to look at her face, Clarke attempts a smile and follows her into the bedroom.  She doesn’t speak much, ignoring the concerned glances from her two friends, they watch movies and eat take out that night, falling in and out of conversations, her head feeling fuzzy, her heart ache hangs heavily.  Raven sets up the air bed for her, which had been forgotten in their drunken state the night before.   
“Right guys I’m gonna go check in on Echo, she needed some help with our assignment” Raven stood up grabbing her jacket and bag as she swung the door open   
“I won’t be back late”   
Octavia busied around the room collecting their plates and cups before she lay on her bed, looking down at Clarke  
“Whats going on Clarke” her voice full of care, as it always was.  Clarke exhaled, she could never hide anything from Octavia, but she couldn’t tell her this, she didn’t even know what this was or where she’d even start  
“Somethings going on with me O..” she started only to trail off, she couldn’t do it. Octavia reached her hand down to grab Clarkes, who lay on the air bed below her   
“I love you Clarkey, You’ve always been my best friend, now whatever you’re going through I want to be here for you, I will help you.. Come on its me?” the concern steadily grows in Octavia’s eyes  
Clarke looks up at her, tears welling up as she does so, unable to stop them from brimming over the edge   
“Oh Clarke” Octavia whispers before sliding down onto the air bed with her, clutching as her friend cried harder into their embrace. “Shhhh, It’ll be okay” she cooed to her, combing her fingers through the blondes hair.   
Clarke had finally began to calm down as she rested against her friend, Octavia placed kisses along her forehead, waiting for her friends breathing to even out before she asked her  
“Is this about Lexa” Clarke looked up at her, oceans swirling in her eyes, tear streaks down her face, that was all the confirmation Octavia needed. 


	7. Chapter 7

Octavia didn’t ask Clarke anymore questions, she sensed Clarke wasn’t ready to answer any of them, instead she made them both a mug of hot cocoa and they cuddled together in Octavia’s bed watching episodes of Parks and Recreation, Clarke occasionally sniffling, still trying to overcome her emotional outburst, the two were fast asleep by the time Raven returned. 

Clarke awoke to a silent, dark room. The only sound was the occasional light snore coming from Ravens bed. The blonde slowly sat herself up right, being careful not to wake her friend, she looked down at the alarm clock by the side of her, it read 3:50 a.m.   
She stared at it in solitary silence for a few moments, watched as the minutes swept passed her until it was 4:00 a.m. The red light emitting from each number shone on the walls, it made the room eerily red as though it were a dream. Rising slowly from the bed, she grabbed her backpack and phone and crept out of the room, trying to silence the click of the door latch as she did so.  The blonde made her way over to her car, it was like her little fortress, it kept her safe from everything out there, she found more comfort here than she did at home, at home she was constantly plagued by the guilt of her feelings.  She drove through the town, the roads mostly empty other than the odd commuter here and there, the emptiness of dawn, there was something comforting about it.  Clarke drove and drove, the sun slowly rose in the far distance, it was still dark out though when Clarke reached where she wanted to go, parking up her car she grabbed a carton of cigarettes and trudged through the gates, lighting the cigarette as she did so.   
She passed so many unfamiliar names, old and new, she took the last draw on her smoke as she got closer. Reaching the row she wanted she saw it, Clarke dropped to her knees and touched the grass below her

“ **Jake Griffin** ” 

The bold letters above her read, along with an inscription 

_‘I walk an empty street_

_And somehow we meet_

_Yet no-one’s there but me_

_For now I’m on my own_

_I’ll never walk alone_

_For you are everywhere with me’_

Clarke read the words over and over, hoping the more she read it the closer to him she would feel,   
her eyes began to well up and the tears brimmed over the edge, with each drop a it was as though a piece of her soul fell from her watery eyes, as they streamed down her rosy cheeks and dripped off her chin. Her stare stays set on her fathers grave stone, never blinking  
“What do I do dad? I don’t want to feel like this any more, I don’t want to hurt or hurt anyone else” She whimpered “I want it to go away” she cried out a little louder as her emotions took over..   
“Help me” 

 

The door to the Griffin household slammed, echoing up the stairs. Lexa’s car had sat outside on the driveway   
“Clarkeeee?” Liam’s voice sounded from upstairs but Clarke didn’t answer him, she left her muddy trainers by the door and traipsed into the kitchen, pouring what was left of her mothers coffee from that morning into a mug. She still didn’t want to say it, overtime the thought crossed her mind, it burned, leaving scars on the inside, scars of the guilt she wore everyday. Clarke thought maybe she might have seen it coming, if she wasn’t too busy spending her time with Lexa, if she didn’t grow so used to Lexa being around in her house, seeing her around school, she quickly became someone who Clarke deeply missed the absence of, she thought back to yesterday in the forrest, had it been real? was it all a dream? She stared blankly out of the window across from her, sipping at her coffee every now and then. She didn’t want this, coming home every day to find the girl that occupied all the free space in Clarke’s mind with her brother, every minute being reminded _she isn’t yours_. The room was still lit dimly in the early autumn morning, Clarke didn’t even hear the footsteps padding down the stairs   
“Clarke, what are you doing?” Liam asks tentatively, obviously slightly confused by the state of his younger sister, tear streaks down her face, her muddy trainers abandoned by the door “Whats going on? Where’ve you been?” He asks again to no avail, Clarke just simply shrugs her shoulders, she can’t bring her gaze to meet his, knowing if she does she’ll face the guilt all over again, she stands slinging her backpack over one shoulder and turns to leave, Liam just watches in confusion  
“Whatever then, freak”   
Clarke stops for a split second, as if she is about to retaliate, her shoulders drop and she carries on walking. 

 

Clarke sat by her easel, setting up her art supplies ready to paint, she heard her brothers voice downstairs, she didn’t pay any attention, instead delicately squeezing paints out onto a palette, choosing her brushes carefully. Scooping up some paint, the blonde brought her brush closer to the canvas, stopping in her tracks when she heard another voice, a softer one.   
She sighed as her insides curled over, _make it stop_ she thought, she began to paint, not concentrating on what it was she was doing, she let the colors spill over the canvas, her emotions bleeding out of the paint brush she gripped tightly in her hand. Hours breezed by her, she wasn’t sure of the time when a knock sounded on her door, echoing in her mind  
“come in” she yelled, hearing the door open and shut again.   
She turned her head to see Lexa and her breath caught in her throat, the girl looked at her, her mascara outlined her eyes like smoke emitting from the sparks in her eyes, coated in worry.   
She made her way across the room to Clarke, her hand swooping over to cup the younger girls cheek, as she sat on the bed opposite her, green eyes meeting blue.   
“Whats happened Clarke? Are you okay?” Her voice soft, but the panic behind it was obvious Clarke searched Lexa’s face for an answer, what was happening between them?  
“Clarke” Lexa shook her slightly, a sense of urgency rising in her voice “Talk to me”  
Clarke couldn’t bring herself to speak, she opened her mouth but no words came out, how could she say it? She couldn’t. Her eyes rose to the ceiling as they started to well up again, she couldn’t look at the girl before her, the pain that erupted in her chest whenever she did was too much to handle right now, instead she just shook her head. Lexa watched her for a moment, it killed her to see the girl like this, she scooped her up into her arms and held her close, slightly rocking her to and fro. When the tears subside Lexa lets go moving her hand to the girls chin, lifting it so their eyes meet once more, neither girl says anything. Lexa frowns slightly as she stares, her hand still slightly cupping the girls face, the inches between them felt like miles, Clarke’s eyes looked down to Lexa’s lips before looking back up.Lexa leans in slowly, unsure, she kisses Clarke on the cheek, pulling back so they look each other face to face, theres something in her eyes, they’re not the usual emerald green, a darker murky color, one that is unfamiliar to Clarke, something primal and yearning about it, Clarke moves forward, placing a kiss on Lexa’s cheek, slowly and gently, uncertainty in the air. Clarke sees that look in Lexa’s eyes once more, she feels the girls fingers touching her face, gentle but commanding on Clarke’s jaw. Time seemed to slow as the two of them moved in sync, moving towards each other like an unstoppable force, magnets attracting, they moved closer. Clarke’s lips crashed into Lexa’s, the sweetness of her scent filling Clarke’s mind making her dizzy, Lexa moved her hand to the back of Clarke’s neck, pushing them closer together ever so slightly as their lips moved in time, unravelling into each other. Clarke depend the kiss as Lexa wrapped both her arms around the blondes neck, both scared to break apart, fearing the contact they had been craving would come to an end. Clarke moves her hands down Lexa’s back, Lexa moves into the touch instinctively, in sync with the soft rhythmic motions of their lips. Clarke’s heart quickens in pace “Clarke” Lexa speaks softly against her mouth in a soft whimper..  
The sound of a door slamming from downstairs brought the two back to reality, jumping a part from each other, Lexa’s eyes wild as they look back at each other.   
“Clarke” Lexa stutters, her voice this time filled with fear, Clarke notices her hands are shaking   
“I need to go-” her voice higher and panicked, standing up as she backs out of Clarke’s bedroom, leaving the blonde girl staring at the space she once sat, her heart in her throat, moving her fingertips over her lips, had that really happened? 

 

September had finally turned into October, Clarke had gradually began to believe that maybe she did imagine the whole thing, she hadn’t seen Lexa since that day, it had been over two weeks. Clarke had thrown herself into college work, hoping the distraction would make her forget, but Octavia wouldn’t let her, she kept questioning her about her feelings, though Clarke hadn’t told her what happened her friend suspected something had gone on, the fact even she hadn’t seen Lexa caused her to wonder. Clarke had began spending more time on campus, staying with Raven and O, meeting their friends and partying with them. She tried to avoid her house at all costs. Lincoln was at the dorm room one day when Clarke got there, Raven and Octavia nowhere to be seen.  
“Hey Princess, I saw your modelling portfolio” He teased , winking at her as she dropped her bag on ravens bed, her head span round as the words sunk in   
“Lexa’s photos?” She asked, she had forgotten all about the project she’d been helping her with   
“Yeah Lex showed me them the other day they’re pretty darn good!”   
Clarke knew she needed to speak to Lexa, she needed to know what had happened, why it had happened.. 

  
She returned home late that night,she could hear voices coming from upstairs and cursed herself every step she took, wishing she could block out the sounds of her brother and Lexa speaking, wishing she could disappear into the darkness of the shadows..   
She sat on her bed, playing with her phone when the voices got louder and louder, she cocked her head and dropped her phone by the side of her, pushing herself off the bed she tiptoed towards the door, trying to hear what they were saying.  They were shouting, it was muffled so Clarke couldn’t quite make out what they were arguing about she heard banging and slamming, growing worried she slowly opened her bedroom door, glancing down the hall way  
“FUCK YOU LEXA” She heard followed by a crash, panic washed over her, Lexa wouldn’t have told her brother about the two of them? She couldn’t have, the door slamming got her attention, she looked up as she saw Lexa carrying a handbag full of her things. Clarke pushed the door further, wanting to know the girl was okay, Lexa looked up startled by the presence, eyes burning like the sun into Clarke, her gaze full of pain, she seemed tired, dark circles around her eyes, Clarke had never seen the girl look like this, she looked smaller, like she’d lost a lot of weight since they last saw each other. Clarke made a step towards the girl, wanting to hold her, comfort her but Lexa shook her head, a tear rolled down her cheek as she ran out down the stairs and into the night.  She treaded down the hall to watch Lexa’s car pull out and drive away, the sounds of sobbing filled the house, echoing down the hall way. She took a deep breath as the guilt weighed her down even more so than before. 

 

Clarke had waited for Lexa outside her college building the following morning, she didn’t turn up. She did this every day for the following week, hoping to catch the girl, wanting to know what was going on, wanting to help her, but she never came.   
She sat in the canteen with Octavia across from her, a disapproving look on her face as Clarke stirred her coffee endlessly   
“Can we talk about it now Clarke” It wasn’t a question, Clarke sighed because she knew it was time to face her feelings, she had to unload this shame she harboured, placing the spoon by her mug, she dragged her eyes up to face Octavia, her face warm and full of compassion, she had always been there for Clarke, throughout her fathers death, when she found out Finn cheated on her, O understood Clarke better than she did herself sometimes  
“I kissed her O” Clarke breathed, closing her eyes as she confessed   
“Or she kissed me, I’m not sure but it happened, It was over three weeks ago we haven’t spoken since, I tried to find her at college but I don’t think she’s been coming in, I heard her and Liam arguing pretty bad the other night and I’m worried she’d have told him” Clarke spilled out all her worries, all her regret onto O who listened carefully, not interrupting, just letting the blonde unburden herself of these feelings, when she finished Octavia spoke  
“Lexa hasn’t told Liam, Liam does think she’s been cheating on him though, Bellamy told me that she hasn’t been speaking to him or seeing much of him the past month, he thought maybe she was seeing some guy from college.” Octavia took a sip of her coffee as she watched her words sink in with Clarke   
“I think you need to talk to her Clarke, Bell says she doesn’t look well, I’m not saying Its okay what’s happened but you know that yourself, you guys need to figure something out, I know Liam isn’t always the best brother but hell if I did that to Bellamy I don’t think he’d ever speak to me again..” Clarke feels a lump swell in her throat as she nods in agreement, she never wanted to hurt anybody, she’d even tried to force these feelings away, she never asked for this. 


	8. Chapter 8

Clarke couldn’t stop replaying those last two times she had seen Lexa, her eyes full of wonder and she moved closer to Clarke, so many questions on her lips, and the second time, how tortured she looked, Clarke had just wanted to reach out for her, look after her.. She’d rang her ten times without any answer, she’d waited outside for weeks. Clarke had moved into a new state of denial, she’d become numb to her feelings, trying to push them away. Octavia had brought it up to her again a few days ago, mentioning how unwell Lexa was still looking, all it did was make Clarke’s heart hurt. She felt powerless, she couldn’t help Lexa because Lexa didn’t want her help, she couldn’t help Liam, who had started getting drunk an awful lot again, without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. Every time she looked in his face she saw what she’d done, how she had betrayed her brother, but couldn’t help think how she’d do it again and again if she had the chance, she couldn’t help but feel a slight anger towards him for not looking after Lexa for not loving her in all the ways Clarke knew she could.. Liam had been staying away from home a lot with his old friends who were awful influences, but she couldn’t stop him. Clarke rubbed her hands together in attempt to warm them up in the crisp mid October air. Her phone began to buzz in her pocket as she scrambled to unlock it, pulling her gloves off of her hands in the process

“Hello?”   
“Hey Princess, Me and O were wondering what time to meet you at tonight at the Ark?”  Clarke had forgotten all about their night out, their whole group was going out as they hadn’t had a lot of time to see each other lately, with college work and jobs it had been a little hectic  
“I can meet you guys there at 10? I’m on my way home to get a shower and get ready now”   
“Perfect, I think we’ll be there about 9:30 but its okay you can meet us there, I’ll have shots waiting for you!”  Clarke chuckled at her friend as she made her way home, this is what she had been needing, to blow off some steam, get drunk and forget all about it and tonight was her perfect excuse. She rushed her dinner when she got home, managing to ask her mom about work, in tern get asked about college, leaving her with just enough time to get herself ready for the night.  Clarke checked the time on her phone when she hopped out of the cab, she was ten minutes later than she had said but that was no issue. She’d gone straight to the bar ordering herself a couple drinks, Jasper and Monty greeted her as she drank, offering her shots of what they’d ordered, hugging her and telling her how much they missed her. Clarke chatted away with them about college and life. ordered another drink and decided it was time to find her friends, she waved as she strutted away, feeling the alcohol already taking effect. Raven and Octavia had a booth in the corner of the darkened club, Clarke just about spotted them until she heard

“GRIFFFFINN” Being yelled from their direction and thrown into an embrace by Raven  
“I got you your shots Clarke, you better catch the hell up” Ravens eyes were slightly unfocused as she tried to pass the shot to Clarke who happily threw it back and picked up another one   
“Hmm looks like I do need to catch up” She giggled as she poked her friend in the stomach   
“Somebodies already alittle drunk aren’t they”   
She’d sat down with Octavia, drink in hand finishing off the rest of their shots, Octavia had been unusually quiet, watching the two of her friends chatting.  Raven had left for the bar and Clarke turned to her other friend, one eyebrow raised

“So whats up O” She said frankly 

“There’s something I need to tell you..” 

Clarke’s mind went into over drive at the seriousness that now resinated in Octavias expression, that and a mixture of the alcohol she had already consumed

“Listen to me, I don’t want you to freak out but Lexa’s here, I think you should go and talk to her” Clarke’s mind span wildly as she span her head round, eyes darting to every face she saw, searching madly for her. 

“Clarke!” Octavia snapped, Clarke had missed everything else the other girl had said, she couldn’t concentrate on anything else

“Clarke listen, you need to sort this out, stay calm its okay” Octavia places her hand lightly on top the blondes, giving her a gentle squeeze. 

“I- I don’t know what to do O, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say I feel like whatever I do is the wrong thing” Clarke stuttered, trying to take a sip of her whisky to calm her nerves.

“You’ll know what to say when you see her, now here chill out, get your head together” Octavia passed her a cigarette and smiled as Clarke took it off her, taking a deep breath before drinking the remains of her glass and making her way to the smoking area outside. 

It was a small area by the side of the club, made to feel smaller by the amount of people who were out there. Clarke brought the cigarette to her lips and lit it taking in a big drag, what was she going to do? Not only was she confused by her feelings, did this mean she was gay? was she bi? did she like girls in general or was it just Lexa? Lexa was the only thing she was sure of in all this madness, she knew what she felt wasn’t wrong.

“Clarke?” a soft, yet gravelly voice, the blondes head snapped round to meet the forrest that lay behind Lexa’s eyes, the dark rings that hugged them.. Her cheek bones looked a little more prominent than usual   
“Hey” Clarke said, almost breathlessly as she gazed at the other girl, she didn’t know whether it was the whiskey or the way Lexa made her feel but she felt weightless as the other girl reached over to pull her into a hug, she smelt a mixture of alcohol and perfume as she leaned into the embrace  
“Where’ve you been Lex” Clarke whispered into the older girls ear, who she felt stiffen at the feeling, Lexa pulled away, keeping one hand on the small of Clarke’s back as she looked into her eyes  
“I’m sorry Clarke, I needed a bit of time out” Clarke knew the pain behind Lexa’s eyes, she felt it to, the pure longing. Clarke watched the way she bit her lip ever so slightly, Clarke noticed the absence of certainty Lexa usually had in her gaze.  
“I missed you” She spoke again, voice hushed as she moved slightly closer so only Clarke could hear, her expression softer than before.  Clarke looks up at her, opening her mouth to speak  
“Lexaaaa! I didn’t know you were here where’ve you been all my life!” Clarke blinked as Lexa was now struggling to get out of Ravens death grip, drunkenly plastering kisses all over the older girls head, Clarke let out a breath she’d been holding on, Octavia stood behind them, hand flying up to her forehead as she stared in disbelief at Raven.   
“Hey Reyes..” Lexa said pushing the girl off of her   
“Come on come in I got shots in there for us! Come on you too Griff” Raven grabbed them both by the hand and dragged them back into the club,  Clarke shot Lexa an apologetic look, how could Raven be so stupid? Octavia just kept sending her roommate death glares in the hopes she would cut it out, but Raven was too excited to even notice she had interrupted anything, they all sat back around the booth, Clarke on the end next to Lexa.   
Raven handed out shots and smiled widely “Cheers” 

They’d stayed there chatting for a while, more like listening to Ravens theories about engineering that pretty much went over everybody else heads, Clarke felt a pull between her and Lexa, she shuffled slightly closer, their legs and shoulders leanings slightly on the other, Clarke reached under the table for Lexa’s hand that rested on her lap, interlocking their fingers slowly hearing Lexa’s breath catch in her throat, before she felt the girl tighten her fingers around Clarke’s.  They stayed like that for a while, not really listening to what anybody else was saying, just focusing on the feeling of being close to each other.

“O!! Its our song! Come on you gotta dance with me” Raven yelled over the music Octavia stood up straight away not even agreeing just ushering her friend away, before turning and winking at Clarke over her shoulder as she got dragged to the dance floor 

“I missed you too” Clarke said as she looked at their hands entwined

“Lets get out of here” Lexa said, the familiar look of certainty in Lexa’s eyes as they burned into Clarke’s.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been so long updating this I literally didn't know how to continue it, its a hard piece for me to write, I've done my best with it and hope you all enjoy, if I don't update again this month then I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and thank you for sticking with me on this!

Clarke found herself sitting in the old diner where she used to go with Finn. This time was different, brightly lit fluorescent lights made it almost impossible to see outside into the misty darkness of the night. She tapped her fingers impatiently against the window pane, in rhythm with the pounding of the rain. Lexa rejoined her at the table, bringing back over two coffees, handing one over to Clarke who silently thanked her. Lexa sat herself opposite Clarke in the booth, she fidgeted as she tried to get comfortable, giving up on this idea she leant forward, elbows leaning on the table, and faced Clarke.  
“Okay so.. I guess I’ve got some explaining to do haven’t I?” She smiled weakly, her eyes a bright green, the kind of green you’d see on the forrest floor after a rainstorm. Clarke cocked her head and took another sip of her coffee  
“Go ahead” She replied nonchalantly  
“So.. I’m sorry first of all that disappeared on you, I didn’t do it to hurt you at least I didn’t intend that, I went to stay with my brother for a little while, I needed time to work things out you know?” Lexa bit her lip, her eyebrows raised slightly as she watched the words settle in Clarke’s head, awaiting a response anxiously. The blonde said nothing, her gaze drawn to the window once again, Lexa followed her eyes to the forrest opposite the diner, the one Clarke had taken her to, the place Lexa had realised just how much she had loved Clarke.  
“I wanted to kiss you that day, when you took me out there in the woods, I didn't think it was possible for anybody to look as perfect as you did then, as you do now..” Lexa mused  
Clarke’s head snapped around, her head slightly cocked as she stared in disbelief at the older girl  
“Aren’t you afraid?” Her voice solemn, short as she caught Lexa’s eyes, she cocked an eyebrow as she waited for her answer  
Lexa just let out a sigh, brushing her hair back with her hand.  
“I’ve never been so afraid in my life” She stated looking right back at the blonde, her green eyes close to brimming with tears that she managed to hold back  
“I don’t know what people will say, what Liam will say.. But that’s the point - I don’t care Clarke, I just want you..” Lexa’s eyes darting to the ground for a brief moment before bringing them back up to meet Clarke’s, who’s expression now softened, she moved her hand across the table reaching out for Lexa’s and grabbing it tightly.  
“I’m scared Lex” the words came out barely as a whisper as Clarke almost choked on them  
Lexa moved from her side of the booth, sliding in next to Clarke and wrapping her arms around her tightly, Clarke almost collapsed into the other girls arms, nestling her head into Lexa’s neck whilst Lexa planted soft kisses on the blondes forehead.  
“It’s gonna be okay Clarke” she sighed as she felt the other girls body shake through her tears  
Lexa pulls back, slightly shifting Clarke’s shoulders so she can face the younger girl, wiping away the tears with her thumb  
“Clarke” her voice breaking slightly  
Clarke opens her eyes, the blue orbs shining intensely in the brightly lit diner, reflecting oceans from other worlds.  
“Clarke.. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I never called back and didn’t explain to you what I was feeling, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you through this” she lifts her hand to Clarke’s cheek who leans into the soft touch again allowing Lexa to scoop her up into her arms, whispering apologies, telling her its all going to be okay.

 

* * *

4:55 am, Lexa checked her watch as she and Clarke wandered through the empty streets of their neighbourhood. There was an air of eeriness about it, the sun had began to rise slightly in the sky but nobody was around, no cars, no dog walkers or joggers, it was as if Lexa and Clarke had stepped outside of time and were walking through each minute of it alone, together. Lexa’s heart swelled because she knew the younger girl felt the same way, but the immediacy of her pain was close behind it, she was petrified, though she wouldn’t admit how scared she really was, she didn’t want to upset Clarke even more. She had no idea what the future had in store for the two of them, how people would react, but she knew this, she was in love with Clarke Griffin.

  
As if she could read her mind, Clarke asked “Are you really afraid too?” her voice timid, unsure   
Lexa looked down at their hands, locked together firmly, both girls too scared to let go. She deserved Lexa’s honesty at the least  
“All the time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel this” She gestured to their hands “It doesn't mean I don’t feel this need to be around you, this pull towards you” a small smile pulled at her lips as the other girl squeezed tightly on her hand  
the two of them walked in silence all the way back to Lexa’s house, it was almost day light by the time she turned the key in the lock, the thick curtains blocked out the morning sun as Lexa and Clarke tiptoed into her room.  
The blonde looked up to see her painting still hanging proudly on the wall Lexa passed her some shorts and a tee and looked up at the painting with her  
“That’s when I knew” Lexa spoke softly as she gazed fondly at the painting, feeling the brush strokes with her finger tips  
Clarke turned to her, confused  
“Knew what?”  
Lexa looked at the quizzical expression across Clarke’s face and chuckled  
“That you liked me” winking, she turned around to change, Clarke didn’t look away at first, watching as Lexa pulled her dress down, her black underwear clinging perfectly to her body, Clarke blushed.  
“I didn’t even know I liked you then” she muttered as she grabbed the clothes Lexa had brought her and changed into them before joining the older girl in her bed.  
Clarke rested her head next to Lexa’s, reaching up to comb the hair off her face  
“Do you think we’re wrong Lex?” Clarke has a look of desperation in her eyes, Lexa’s heart hangs heavy in her chest at the thought  
“No” she breathes, looking at Clarke. The two girls reading each others expressions carefully  
“I want to kiss you again Lex” Clarke whispers as she hesitantly pushes herself closer  
Lexa edges towards her until their lips meet Clarke’s, kissing them gently. She feels the blonde inhale sharply as if its the first time all over again, the familiar feel of butterflies creating a swarm in her stomach as she yearns to be closer to Clarke, and Clarke pushes herself further into Lexa. Clarke’s hand grips tightly on Lexa’s t-shirt, knotting the two together as she kisses the brunette with a sense of eagerness from the both of them, eagerness which turned into a hunger.  
Clarke softly slid her tongue against Lexa’s, eliciting a moan from the both of them.  
Lexa’s hands wander over Clarke’s hips, feeling the softness of Clarke’s skin. Kissing each other hard, their hands wander the others body with a frantic restlessness, both wanting to feel every part of the other. Clarke places kisses along Lexa’s jawline, her neck, her collarbone until she is completely on top of the other girl, Lexa hidden beneath the canopy of Clarke’s blonde hair, surrendering herself over to Clarke, opening herself up to her. She lifts her hands back to Clarke’s hips, making fists around the soft fabric of her tee and lifting it softly over the girls body.  
Lexa sits up to breathlessly admire the blonde’s body, lifting her own shirt off as she did so. Lexa’s green eyes met the darkest of blue in Clarke’s, she makes out her enlarged pupils even in the dimly lit room.  
Clarke hovers above Lexa, her arms slightly shaking but Lexa was unsure wether that was nerves, her eyebrows begin to crinkle in concern but Clarke keeps her eyes pinned on Lexa before placing kisses down her chest, her stomach across her bellybutton and down to her hipbones. All Lexa is capable of doing is breathing and shaking at the touch, until she notices Clarke has stopped.  
She looks up at the blonde who is watching her, hesitating, looking at Lexa with a slight pain behind her eyes as if she were asking what to do next, wordlessly asking if this was okay and whether they should keep going. Lexa looks back into Clarke darkened eyes, holding her gaze, watching the oceans rage behind them, before she nodded, rolling down the waistband of her shorts. The morning was lost in an eruption of wonder, sharp breathes and moans, the sounds of the two exploring the other, it still felt like they had stepped out of time, nothing mattered outside this room, nothing could stop their embrace and nobody was here to witness it. Lexa slid up Clarke’s body, her breath uneven and jagged. Clarke wrapped her arms around the brunettes neck and kisses her, sharing the taste of their union before burying her head into Lexa’s neck and falling asleep together. 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke’s eyes open to the winter morning light creeping slightly through the gap between curtains. Turning, she feels the heat of Lexa’s body next to hers, who sighs sleepily reaching her hands out and linking them around the blonde. Clarke smiles and pushes herself closer to the embrace. She breathes in deep through her nose, allowing the sweet scent of Lexa’s hair to take over her senses as she let her eye lids flutter shut, this was a moment that Clarke wished she could relive forever..  
“LEXAA?” A voice boomed through the house and both girls shot up, staring right at each other in utter shock   
“Anya’s home, quick Clarke you need to hide!” Lexa almost hissed as she lightly grabbed her hand and lead her to the closet, Clarke looked at her, her face drained of all colour, her brows furrowed   
“Just stay there please!” Lexa begged, her green eyes filled with worry  
“But Lex-” Clarke started, Lexa just leaned forward to kiss her forehead, and closed the door slowly on her   
“Lex?” A knock came at the door, Clarke shuffled to the back of the closet and allowed herself to slide down to the floor as soon as her back found the wall, her face dropping into her hands as she listened closely to the conversation.   
“HEY! Oh I could have sworn I heard you come home with somebody last night, you didn’t bring Liam back?” Though her voice slightly muffled, Clarke could hear every word and she cursed herself as her heart began to pound.  
“What? Oh no I was on the phone when I came back, Liam didn’t come with me..” Clarke heard the hesitation behind Lexa’s voice, she bit her lip and panic washed over her at the mention of her brother. The memories from earlier that morning flooded back to her, the feeling of Lexa’s soft skin.. The gentle look in her green green eyes.. The way she gasped Clarke’s name when..  
“So we’re still going for food today, right? you promised me it was your turn to take us this week”   
“Umm.. Yeah Sorry I forgot.. Erm can you give me a minute I need to get dressed?” Clarke rubbed her fingers against her temples trying to ease her panic, she could hear Lexa’s mind ticking even from the back of this stupid closet, _What the fuck am I gonna do now?_ She thought  
  
The sound of Lexa’s bedroom door could be heard clicking shut and seconds later The closet door swung open with a terrified looking Lexa. “Clarke, I’m so sorry” She said as she knelt down before Clarke  
“I completely forgot me and Anya were going for lunch, Clarke I need to sneak you out of here” Lexa’s eyes were slightly wild, green fear washed over her iris’   
“I’m so sorry” she repeated   
“How Lexa” Clarke asked, her words cold and sharp, Clarke knew this wasn’t Lexa’s fault entirely but she couldn’t help but feel disheartened and she hadn’t missed the wave of guilt washing over her at the mention of her Brothers name..   
Lexa’s eyes delved into Clarke’s, filled with unsaid apologies and the blonde knew what was coming  
“Right of course.. _The window_.” Clarke snapped as she stood up, pushing past Lexa as she went to grab her purse from the night before.   
“Clarke I —”  
“I don’t want to hear it Lexa, open the fucking window.” Clarke’s eyes like a raging ocean as she glared at the older girl, crossing her arms impatiently.   
Lexa opened her mouth, but the words never came out. Instead she slumped her shoulders and turned, opening the curtain as she did and unlocking the window. Her green eyes didn’t meet Clarke’s, she kept them trained to her feet.  Clarke gazed at the girl pausing before she moved in the hopes maybe she would have something else to say to her, but nothing came. Clarke leaned out the window planning her route, eyeing the drainpipe that ran next to the window and before she had time to scare herself out of it she grasped her arms around it tightly, followed by her legs before she slid down steadily to the ground.   
Without taking another look behind her she let Lexa’s house fade away into the distance only when she was far enough did she let her eyes well up and allow the tears to fall down her face.

 

After walking for forty minutes to the other side of town through pouring rain, Clarke’s feet finally came to a stop, lifting her hand up to knock on the door before her.   
“Its open!” Octavia’s voice sounded casually from the other side as she pushed down the handle and let herself in   
“Oh hey Clarke! .. What happened are you okay?” Octavia’s face dropped when her eyes adjusted on Clarke’s, she saw the redness and the smudged mascara she presumedto be from last night, without wasting a second she leaped up and pulled her friend into a tight hug, combing her fingers through Clarke’s rain soaked hair as who had allowed herself to collapse into Octavia, sobbing uncontrollably into her shoulder   
“Shhh Clarkey its okay, I got you” She cooed as she sat them both down on her bed   
wrapping her arms around the blonde’s waist   
Clarke’s breathing uneven she lifted her head up and looked into Octavia’s eyes, radiating with warmth and concern   
“Its all fucked up O” She choked, lifting her eyes up to the ceiling as she felt fresh tears sting at them   
“I fucked up” she finishes   
Octavia tucks a stray hair behind Clarke’s ear and turns the girls head gently to look back at her   
“Clarke, what’s happened?” she asked softly   
“I slept with her O! I went back to her place I slept with her and then this morning I had to sneak out through the God damn window!” Clarke stood up putting her hands on her head “FUCK!”she yelled as she began to cry again  
“Clarke come on sit down, its okay its okay” Octavia tried to coax Clarke back to sitting down, trying to calm her  
“You haven’t fucked up okay, these things.. they happen”   
“Do they? I don’t see Bellamy trying his luck with Lincoln!” She spat back   
Octavia seemed to think about that point for a moment with a slightly disgusted look on her face  
“Okay I see your point but.. This is different, I mean I’ve always known Lexa was kinda gay and its been a long time coming breaking up with Liam.. Well its..” Octavia began to blab away trying to make it sound at least a little bit better what Clarke had done but Clarke didn’t listen, she couldn’t help think back to when she was leaving and how Lexa wouldn’t even look her in the eye, had she been mistaken about how Lexa thought? Was it just a one night stand to her.. _No Lexa isn’t like that_ she kept trying to convince herself.. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait! I had so many deadlines and exams the past month and have had no time to write any of this but thank you all for being patient with me


	11. Chapter 11

_Clarke found herself on a familiar street. A long winding road with the occasional street lamp attempting to light up the street, failing as its brightness was lost within the depths of a deep dark fog. The fog had consumed most of the road, Clarke reached her hands out to see if she could grasp it between her fingers, she couldn’t. The silence was eerie, no birds whistling, no wind to rustle the dead leaves that lay by the sidewalk, collecting around the gutters. Clarke began to walk, each step as uncertain as the one before, her eyes darted around looking for something, she knew something was coming.. she came to a stop outside the boarded up gas station, she peered in through an uncovered window to find the place had rotted inside, a black mould covered everything, the contents of the shelves scattered the floor. A shiver ran down Clarke’s spine as she forced herself to walk away, she felt the cold concrete under her feet, the solidness of it keeping her grounded. When she heard an echoing of an engine, she knew exactly what was coming._

_A car was making its way somewhere down the road, she couldn’t yet tell the direction as the lights were lost somewhere within the fog, she began to run out into what she knew to be the road_

_“DAD!” She screamed, her body spinning from one direction to the other, desperation taking course through her veins as she heard the engine running towards her, spotting the lights in the distance_

_“DAD!! DAD I’M HERE! I’M HERE PLEASE STOP! DAD!” She shrieked the words as loud as her lungs would allow, though it felt although the dark fog was choking her, the more she screamed it seemed to spill inside her, strangling her voice from the inside, but this didn’t stop her_

_“DAD! WHERE ARE YOU ITS ME!” She began to run headfirst towards the lights, closing the distance.. Clarke caught a glance of bright blue eyes behind the wheel, squinting out into the darkness as the two collided.._

Clarke bolted up in bed, sharply inhaling and almost choking on her dreams. Her body was covered in beads of sweat and she could feel her heart hammering wildly against her ribcage as she tried to steady her breathing 

“It was a dream” She whispered to herself repeatedly as her body shook from the vivid images she saw in her dream, from the realness she felt on the foggy street. She rose from the bed and watched the rain fall haphazardly from the sky, drumming on any surface it touched, unlocking the latch Clarke leaned out of her bedroom window, raising her hand allowing the rain to pummel against her skin. She needed to know that this was real, that this time she wasn’t in a dream. The cold concrete floor from her nightmare had seemed real, maybe just as real as this rain felt, those blue eyes she saw staring back at her felt even realer.. scared into her mind she sat herself in front of her easel. The blonde worked quickly, mixing colours and washing brushes until it seemed as though the canvas had stared into her soul, her emotions slowly but surely beginning to appear upon the white surface, though it wasn’t blue eyes she had painted into the darkness, they were green. 

 

The days carried on like this for a while, Clarke awoke early from her nightmares and would paint them into elaborate works of art. The dreams were different every time, whether in an empty hospital corridor to being chased through a forrest the painting created each morning held some haunting experience behind it. Clarke had thought about texting or calling Lexa, she’d actually typed out a paragraph which she was about to send when a knock sounded at her door, dragging her from her thoughts, she didn’t answer but she heard the clicking as the door opened   
“Clarke?” Her eyes met her brothers and there it was, that guilt that was crushing her, weighing down on her shoulders, leaning on her lungs as she found each breathe harder to take. Liam didn’t look well, the bags under his eyes were darker than ever before, his face looked gaunt and his cheekbones were protruding her face more so than they had done before. He looked almost frail..   
“Whats up Liam?” Clarke asked as she studied his face   
“I need you to drive me round to Lexa’s, I wouldn’t usually ask I know your pretty busy..” Liam's eyes bore into her room, studying each canvas that lay around Clarke’s bed, until his eyes met his sisters once more.   
Clarke felt the lump beginning to form in her throat once more, the sound of her name stabbed at the girls heart as she blinked fast to stop the tears from burning her eyes, she had to turn herself away, she couldn’t look him in the eye, not now..   
“Why do you want to go _there_.” She tried to keep her voice level, not wanting to sound as though she were hiding something, her hands fiddling with loose sketches in her sketchbook as she turned the other way.   
“I need to go get my stuff, I’ve got loads of my clothes there please Clarke” His voice sounded horse as though he had been crying, Clarke shifted her position so she could get a better look, he seemed so broken, and the thought of that broke her even more  
“Okay, lets go” She said as she reached over to grab her keys.   
Clarke had drove in complete silence other than the occasional grunt to Liam’s rambling   
“I know you guys got on well, you’d tell me if she’d said anything right? Or if Octavia and Raven heard anything?” This brought Clarke out of her own thoughts, slightly taken aback by the question  
“What are you talking about” She said, making sure she heard him correctly  
“Has Lexa told you guys anything about who she’s seeing? Indra told Bellamy that Lexa brought somebody home the other night and I know you guys were all at the same club that night.. Come on Clarke help me out I just want to know!” Liam’s eye’s looked as though they could well up and a strike of regret ran through her veins, she tried to shake it off  
“Hmm.. I don’t think she left with anybody, I mean she sat down with us for a little while.. I doubt it Liam” She bit her lip hoping that he didn’t see through her lies, hoping he didn’t probe her more about that night, her knuckles began to turn white as she clutched at the wheel, her eyes trained on the road before her. The conversation resumed its previous silence as Clarke drove as quickly as the road limits would allow before pulling up outside Lexa’s house. She didn’t turn her head in its direction, she kept staring straight forward, her hands still gripping the wheel  
“Are you coming? You don’t have to feel awkward” Liam put a hand lightly on her shoulder but Clarke flinched away at the touch, a pained expression painted across her face   
“No.” She snapped, before noticing the puzzled look on her brothers face  
“I mean, I don’t want to intrude on you guys.. you go ahead I’ll wait right here”   
Liam didn’t seem to pick up on her strange behaviour, closing the car door he made his way over to the house   
“Shit shit shit” Clarke muttered under her breathe, she couldn’t believe she had agreed to this, her heart began pounding against her chest, she could hear it over cars on the busy street, over the birds in the trees, over Liam loudly greeting Lexa..   
Her head span around to the house where she saw her.. Beautiful as ever her brown curls falling freely past her shoulders, her delicate fingers rested on the door frame as she leaned out to speak to Liam, who was now gesturing over to Clarke, her breath catching in her throat when the green eyes stared her way.. stopping Clarke from moving, stopping the drumming of her heart  
“Shit” she whispered as she closed her eyes.   
she forced herself to turn away, shutting her eyes tightly, she felt like she still needed to hold onto the steering wheel to anchor her to the earth, as though if she let go she would float off into outer space.   
“Okay lets go” Clarke jumped at the voice snapping her head to the source   
“Clarke.. Come on drive I don’t want to hang around” Liams frustration clearly growing quicker as Clarke fumbled for the keys and turned on the engine, speeding away from the house once more.. 

 

A week had passed since Clarke had taken Liam to Lexa’s house, she found herself sitting in her room with Octavia as they both sorted through her art work for the upcoming exhibition.   
Octavia was sitting on the desk chair, sifting through the multiple canvas’s that Clarke had created whilst Clarke managed the other pile.   
“So, have you spoken to her?” Octavia forced a casual tone but she had clearly been wanting to bring this up for hours.   
“Hmm?” Clarke hummed, trying to ignore the question. Octavia lobbed a cushion across the room, hitting Clarke square on in the face  
“What the fuck O!”  
“Answer my question, have you spoken to Lexa?” She crossed her arms abandoning the endless paintings and turning her full attention to Clarke  
“No! No I haven’t and I’m not going to either so just drop it, please.” This caused another cushion to be thrown in Clarke’s direction, this time she batted it away.   
“Clarke I think you need to, look at you! You’ve hardly left the house, you’re paintings are … Well They’re weirder than usual” Clarke glared in her direction   
“Hey! I’m not saying they’re bad , they’re basically masterpieces but come on, you need to talk about this. This isn’t going to go away” Octavia made her way over to Clarke timidly, worried that the girl might snap at her, she slowly rested her hand on the blondes back   
“We’re worried about you, even Raven is worried..”   
Clarke caught her reflection in the mirror, they were right Clarke hadn’t been herself. Her clothes hung limply off her, her face sunken.   
“You been having nightmares again?” Octavia's voice small, she was sitting next to Clarke now, arm still slung around her friend, she knew the hardships the girl went through after losing her dad and she had helped her through a lot of tough nights.  
“Yeah” Clarke bit her lip “Every night.”   
Octavia wrapped her arms tighter around the blonde, resting her head on Clarke’s shoulder they stayed that way for a little while.   
The sound of an engine chugging outside caught both the girls attention as they looked at each other in confusion  
“Your mom isn’t back at this time is she?” Octavia asked, brow furrowed as she watched Clarke walk over to the window  
“No she isn’t” Clarke reached out to pull open the curtains to catch a glimpse of who it was   
“It’s Lexa..” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I know not much is happening in this chapter but its a build up to what is to come!! Thank you for all the comments I love reading them I will try and update this fic more often the next month or so!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone I'm so sorry its taken me so long to update this! I've been really busy the past few months and I completely forgot about it, I'm hoping to work on it a lot more over the summer! hope you all enjoy this new chapter let me know what you think as I love reading everyones comments!

Lexa stared at the Griffin household through her car window as she bit down on her lip. Her fingers rested on the car door, an internal battle raged in her whether or not to open it or drive as fast as she could out of there. She looked up toward Clarke’s bedroom window but the curtains were shut, she turned her head to see Clarke’s badly parked car, Lexa furrowed her brow and tensed her jaw.  
“Fuck it” She muttered as she took a deep breathe and opened her car door and nervously began to approach the front door.  
As Lexa made her way up the the porch her eyes darted around her nervously, she stepped closer to the door but it swung open suddenly, Lexa inhaled quickly  
Octavia appeared from behind the door, leaning against the frame, arms crossed as she looked at Lexa  
“Hey Lex” Her voice seemed sterner than usual, Lexa took in the younger girls body language, she took a slight step back  
“Hi Octavia” Her voice was small  
Octavia Smiled but it didn’t seem warm as usual  
“Liam’s not here..” Octavia started, looking down at her nails “But I don’t suppose you’re here to see him are you?” Lexa’s face whitened at the sentence, her eyes wide  
“I..” She began but the words lost her, she could feel an unbearable heat on her face  
Octavia looked up at her before breaking a smile  
“She’s upstairs you dork, I aint gonna say shit” She pushed Lexa on the shoulder who exhaled in surprise  
“Fucking hell O” Lexa muttered as she took a step forward  
“Seriously though, upset her and I’m setting Raven on you, I’ll see you around” Octavia waved as she made her way down the steps and across the driveway. Lexa watched her for a moment, confusion across her face before shaking her head and taking a step toward the front door. 

Clarke sat on her bed nervously, she fiddled with a loose strand of fabric off her shorts as she listened to Octavia and Lexa’s exchange downstairs. She felt the drumming of her heart once more growing louder in rhythm to Lexa’s footsteps up the stairs. Clarke, panicked, stood up from the bed not sure what to do with herself..  
Lexa came into view through the gap in the open bedroom door and Clarke stopped in her tracks  
Lexa stared at her, unsure for a moment  
“Come in..” Clarke almost whispered as the two looked into each others eyes.  
Lexa pulled the door slightly and stepped into Clarke’s bedroom, it was although the walls around them melted into nothingness, the whole world had dissolved around them leaving just Lexa standing in front of Clarke as their eyes pierced into the others.  
Clarke felt a surge of confidence now face to face with the girl, she took a small step forward  
“Hi” She said, a small smile spread across her lips  
Lexa seemed to relax at this gesture  
“Hey..I’m sorry to just turn up here unannounced but I needed to talk to you, I know you’re busy with..” Lexa took a moment to look around at all the canvas’s scattered around the room, taking in the details of each of them and her brow furrowed, her previous sentence lost  
“Wow Clarke”  
Clarke rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, her barriers suddenly begin to rise, unable to stop them Clarke can feel herself becoming more defence each second she spends in Lexa's company  
“What was it Lexa”  
Lexa’s eyes snap back up to meet Clarke’s, surprised by the biting tone of the blondes voice  
“I wanted to say I’m sorry, I know its a little late but” Clarke tuts loudly and turns away from Lexa  
“You’re sorry okay great, is that all?” Clarke tries to stop the tears which are stinging her eyes from falling, she holds them back  
“Clarke I really am, I know I should have come sooner but you have to understand”  
At that Clarke span back around and stepped toward a stunned Lexa  
“What do I need to understand? I risked more than you did Lexa” She points her finger at Lexa who stares at Clarke in shock, frozen on the spot  
“Shit, I had to climb out of your fucking window, do a walk of shame home, I had to drive my fucking brother to come pick up his shit from your house. I understand Lexa, I understand how fucking stupid I was to think I could be with you. Now are we done here?”  
Lexa’s eyes show a flicker of sadness at the younger girls words but she clenches her jaw and nods solemnly  
“I guess so” Her voice quiet, almost a whisper  
Clarke studies Lexa for a moment longer before stepping back  
“You know the way out.” she mutters  
Lexa opens her mouth to say something but the words never leave her mouth, instead she slumps her shoulders, she turns to leave, reaching into her back pocket as she does so retrieving a leaflet, she looks down at it before leaving it on the chest of drawers as she walks out the door. 

Clarke watches Lexa’s car pull out of her driveway, her head leaning against her hands as the car speeds away into the distance, a tear drops down her cheek  
“I’m a fucking idiot” She says to herself as she pushes herself away from the desk  
She makes her way toward the door when something catches her eye on top of her drawers, a crumpled up piece of paper, Clarke frowns before reaching for it 

PORTFOLIO EXHIBITION: LEXA WOODS  
A black and white photo of Clarke in the woods sits beneath the bold writing  
Clarke studies it for a moment before grimacing, crumpling up the paper and throwing it behind her as she leaves the room. 

—————————————————————————————————————————

Lexa slams the front door to her house behind her, throws her keys into the bowl by the door, she catches a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror, her eyes slightly puffy from the drive home, she rolls her eyes and storms upstairs  
Anya pops her head out of the lounge, frowning up at Lexa  
“Hey Lex.. You okay?”  
The slamming of Lexa’s bedroom door is the only reply she gets, Anya steps out of the lounge scratching her head in confusion

Lexa throws herself on her bed and stares up at the ceiling, she checks her phone to see three text notifications, quickly she sits up, eyes lit up with hope as she unlocks it

Octavia: Soooo… How’d it go?

Liam: Were you just at my house?

Liam: I saw your car leaving, hows it going? 

Lexa reads all three texts, she flings her phone away and lies her head back down on the pillow, covering her face with her hands.  
She doesn’t move for the rest of the evening, Anya knocks on her door at some point in the night but Lexa ignores her. She lay in bed staring at the moon through her window.

———————————————————————————————————————

Clarke lay in bed that night staring at the same sky through her window, it was the first time in weeks she hadn’t painted but she couldn’t bring herself to feel any emotion, she didn’t want to.  
She heard Liam stumbling home, slamming his door loudly. She winced at the thought of him, she had been avoiding him even more since she’d had to drive him to Lexa’s place.  
She ran her hands through her hair and sighed, rolling over to look at her alarm clock, it read 3:05am  
Clarke stood up and stretched throwing on an old hoodie, she grabbed her phone and began scrolling through her contacts, her finger hovering over Lexa’s name.  
Clarke bit her lip, her eyes slightly welling up with tears, she took a deep breath and clicked the number, it began to ring.  
Clarke was frozen, torn between letting it ring out or hanging up until a voice sounded through the phone  
“Clarke? Is everything okay?” Lexa’s voice was low and husky, Clarke stopped breathing, she opened her mouth to talk  
“Clarke?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine… sorry” She whispered before hanging up the phone.


End file.
